Saturday, January 14, 2012

Time feels like a warp. back and fourth.

Saturday's are still very difficult for me. When Saoirse was feeling well we always found something fun and free to do. She loved it. Either we went to the park, which meant walking around in grass, swinging and just running around and playing. We always brought Fallon. Saoirse loved walking with Fallon. If Saoirse was riding in her stroller Fallon would walk right along side of her. Saoirse loved watching Fallon. Other times we would find a free festival to attend or just a destination like Newburyport or Salem. We thought it was important to expose her to music, arts and just being around people and being social. She loved outdoor festivals and concerts. she loved the music and dancing. Or sometimes we would just stay home and go play outside. she loved running around the yard. she loved it when we would push her around the yard in her tricycle or car. she would just smile and laugh turning on the wheel as if she was driving and pointing to the direction she wanted to go :)

Deep breath.

I miss her so much. I finally ate some oatmeal and peanut butter for breakfast the other day. It was her favorite. Which brings me to the story i wanted to tell about her. Every morning we would get up and she would demand her milk. :) then after the milk she would get down off our lap and play with her toys or Fallon while she watched PBS. Curious George or Cat in the Hat, or what ever else was fun to watch. She would play while I made her Oatmeal. I would ask her "do you want some oatmeal and peanut butter?" and she would shake her head up and down, her eyes would open real wide and she would say "yes". hehe. so I would go make it while she played. Of course she would follow me into the kitchen and play with her magnetic horses and santa on the fridge. She would eat while she played on some days and others she would just sit and eat. I didn't normally eat until she was finished. at least thats what I hoped would happen. hehe. So she would finish or be "all done" with the familiar Signing of "all done". (yes we taught her how to baby sign) I would go make my oatmeal and peanut butter. I would go sit down and start eating and she would instantly stop what she was doing and come over and ask for "more". I would give her a small bite and she would go play while eating it.. then she would come over and want more. So i give her another bite and say to her "this is daddy's, you ate already". she would shake her head up and down.. all while chomping on my oatmeal .. and she would laugh. then go play. I learned real quick to eat fast :)

I miss those moments. I really looked forward to it every morning. and it didn't really mater what we had for breakfast... eggs, grits, cream of wheat, what ever it was she wanted some of mine. hehe.

Deep breath.. cry feel etc..

I finally took the photos and videos off of my phone yesterday. I just had to move them to our external hard drive. I allowed myself to watch some videos and look at pictures. She is so awesome.

My life is still very surreal. The 13th to the 13th. time is doing weird things for me. when i look back at the past 4 or so weeks it all seems so blurred. dream like. i just still can't believe she is gone. I still feel weird when we leave the house. I still think "do we have everything?", "where is the diaper bag?". (I forgot the diaper bag once when we were going to Jimmy Fund - didn't discover this until we parked in Boston - that never happened again hehe)  When I get in the car i still automatically look for Saoirse in my rear view mirror. when we drive away i still have a very strong feeling that i am leaving something behind. Realities set in in between.

Deep breath..

Kezia has food poisoning so i have been helping her and basically just doing research and watching tv. Yesterday was like a blaaaa. i didn't feel like writing. so i walked about the yard a bit, played with Fallon and finally around 10 pm last night I just broke down. I miss her so much. Kezia is feeling better today and even came downstairs. Today is just a relax day. I will probably do some things in the garage or yard. Not sure yet.


  1. i don't know how you are doing it. but, you are. so many people's thoughts are with you both -and all your family. the clouds made way for sunshine today....thinking of you all.

  2. Mike,

    Have a good day


  3. Put one foot in front of the other and inch along. Many days are like that.

  4. It is so nice to hear your stories about your daughter, she sounds like an incredible girl. I think of your family often, you have changed the way I raise my 9 month old son, I try really hard to cherish every moment. Thank you for sharing your story.

  5. Very cute story about Saoirse - thank you so much for sharing. And I'm glad you had oatmeal and peanut butter again today.

    You said Saturday is particularly hard and I don't know if this will help, but there was a time in my life that was difficult for me and it really helped to have a particular thing to do. Perhaps, having a Saturday morning ritual for now would help. Taking Fallon for a walk with Kezia each Saturday or cooking pancakes together ever Saturday morning or working out first thing that morning or whatever. Just wanted to offer that up in case you found it useful.

    Hope Kezia is feeling better.

    Love to you both.
    Courtney Rasey

  6. Those memories to be cherised and not to be forgotten. Glad to know those pictures and videos are saved. Glad to know Kezia is better.

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