Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Fathers Day and Lessons from my Daughter

I have been having a difficult time lately. Fathers day was horrible for me. I do not know what I was thinking when I suggested that Kezia and the board launch the organization on Fathers day weekend. I was there to support my family and friends and to help Kezia. I tried hard to put on a tough face and figured that I would just deal with Fathers day by doing something good. Didn't quite work that way.

Deep breath.

I miss her every day. Fathers day seemed to heighten that. We spent the first half of the day driving to NYC. My mind wasn't clear and nothing was going the way that "I" expected. (things went fine and worked out even better, but of course when I am in that funk my perception is way off)

I couldn't shake Saoirse's last day, and how I felt I let her down. I still feel that way. I saw dads with their kids wearing the fun Dads Day T-shirts worn by both dad and kids.

I wore my shirt, the only Dads Day shirt I have. "Father Moe's Best" by "Life Is Good". It has a picture of a dad mowing the lawn. I love mowing my lawn. I love wearing it. I wear it a lot actually and have to stop because it will get worn out. I can't find another one so I will just wear it a few times a year I think. Saoirse loved that shirt because its so soft. It was gentle on her cheek and head when she had to lay on my shoulder when I held her. I miss holding her. I am so sad. I miss her so much.

I had a breakdown in NYC on Fathers Day, Sunday night. I just couldn't take it anymore. I cried and cried. Before I cried I was blaming other people for my false expectations and pushing people away. All I wanted to do was spend time with Saoirse. "why me?", "why did she have to die?", "why couldn't I save her?", etc.

I really tried to just smile at other dads, thinking of last year and the wonderful time we had while playing "Put Put".

But the pressure just kept building. I felt completely out of control. Kezia and Paul went to Jessica's hotel room because I asked to be alone. Then I cried. And I cried. Then cried some more. Tears trickled most of the day, but it was at night when it all came out. I didn't think I was going to stop. Here I was overlooking Times Square, NYC and I couldn't help but think.."the last time I saw this place Saoirse was with us". Once I cried and came to my senses, my mind was clearer. I leveled out and realized how much of a putz I had been with my wife and friends. We all had a great talk and I was able to just talk and get it all out.

Then lessons from my daughter came flooding to me. Saoirse always tried to smile and seemed to not let things take her away from living life. Her cancer didn't stop her. It accelerated her. After I cried and got back in touch with my feelings rationally, I couldn't help but feel she was there pushing me to be balanced and to make the best of it. She pushed me to realize that life is short and I have to keep moving forward and staying positive.

I miss her so much. It has been over 6 months and still seems so surreal and like it just happened yesterday. We go to a group a couple of times a month for parents who lost a child (of all sorts of reasons) and the group has been very helpful. Most parents in the group's also feel like it "just happened yesterday".

I have so much more to write about tomorrow.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Fathers Day

Its Fathers day weekend.

Deep Breath.

It took every bit of energy and positive self talk motivation to get myself out of bed for the past few days.

Today was worse. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay asleep.

I miss Saoirse so much.

Deep Breath.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Pain and Blinders

With a week away from the launch of the Foundation, the stress is lessoning a bit. I have very little to do with the foundation because as Kezia launches the foundation we are simultaneously launching a business, which I devote most of my time to. (can't wait to tell you about it - soon. I promise)

The foundation has a wonderful and dedicated Board of Directors who have worked tirelessly to put it all together correctly and legally. They are all so wonderful.

Moving on.

We had a celebration of life party for Saoirse this past Saturday. It was such a great day. We have some awesome friends.  We wanted to have a party because that is what Saoirse would have loved. I miss her so much. I almost called it off a few weeks ago. But glad I did not.

Fathers day is coming up and I believe it is effecting me more than I was willing to admit. For a while now I have been so focused on the business, the launch and just the fact that Saoirse died that I have been blind and not paying attention to people around me. I have been cranky lately as well. Just not fair to my partner Kezia. She is such a wonderful person and I wish that her Baby didn't die. She misses her so much and I don't have a way to bring Saoirse back. I don't have a way to stop the pain. I so wish I did.

Deep breath....

I still have a lot of moments where I still think she is here. I will be outside in the garage or garden and look up to her room and for a split second I wonder "is she going to come wave to me through the window?" or "I better finish up, she will be awake soon". These thoughts, these strong feelings of her being here still occur. It happens all of the time. They are lessoning, and it seems that my thoughts are starting to flip from the day she died and all of the suffering, to the great times, times she felt good. Hearing her voice in my minds eye. She was so "as a matter of fact" when she spoke. She was so strong and full of life. She was just a baby loving to learn new things. Oh how she loved to learn. Reading was her favorite. She would go grab her favorite book - "Curious George - A Treasury of". This is a big heavy hard back book. She would bring it over to the chair in the living room and slap her other hand on the chair and saying "seeeet, seeet".. hehehe.. she was trying to say "sit". Then she would say "ook" hehe. such wonderful small moments.

Deep breath..

I will write more later.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Fathers Day, Tradition, Foundation, Business and No we are not Crazy

I want to thank you for all your love, support and positive encouragement. You are all wonderful. Saoirse had a lovely birthday.

Its funny how my daughter is still teaching me about being a person. Saoirse had so much patience with people. (for the most part..) I wish it was 5 years from now so the pain is lower. This is how I feel sometimes. Its been a tough past few weeks. Fathers day is coming up and I am already having feelings about that. Last year on Fathers day Kezia and I took Saoirse to play Put Put (miniature golf to some :) ). Craig and Kristina, as well as Tabitha and Scott were there too. Saoirse was feeling pretty good that day and was having a good time riding on my back on the back pack. I knew she wanted to just get down and run around.. lol.. but she still enjoyed herself. She was very vocal that day.. just talking to everyone :) She loved being with people and people loved being with her. 

I saw this early evening out as the beginning of a yearly tradition to play PutPut on Fathers day. I feel sad because I want her home so we can go play. I have thought about going and keeping the tradition in honor of Saoirse. My body tensed up when I had that thought so I am thinking I am open to it, but just not this year. That made me think of the Fitzgerald Cancer Fund's launch on June 18th. in NYC. This is the day after Fathers day this year. That won. This year fathers day is about Saoirse and Neuroblastoma. Now, I have very little, if any to do with the foundation. Kezia and the board run the show. I want to give a very big hug and shout out to Kezia and all of the board members.

Kezia and the entire board of directors of The Fitzgerald Cancer Fund, Inc (we found a free non profit lawyer service to help file the paperwork for non profit public charity - we have to attend a seminar on non profit start ups which we are really looking forward to attending) have been working tirelessly to organize the foundation and plan our official launch in NYC. I mean hours of nightly board meetings, days and days full of planning and designing and hours and hours of designing media. Planning a launch like this is not as simple as saying "think we will go to new york and launch the foundation" .. there are a lot of details and legal requirements that needed to be fulfilled such as photo releases. We thought at first that maybe we are putting to much into this. But no. We are not. This foundation is a commitment. Kezia and I committed to Saoirse and a lot of other parents that we will do what we can to help. This is a lifetime commitment. Board members are all committed. They are so wonderful.

The purpose of the launch at the Today Show Plaza (which I want to add that we are not invited guests on the show, we are just flooding the plaza) is to officially launch our foundation and bring a heightened and much needed awareness to Neuroblastoma, the deadliest and one of the hardest to treat and cure Child Cancer. 

I have my own project. We still have to eat, pay a mortgage, car payment, heat, etc.. We are starting up a business and so we have a lot going on.. I write all day. We have a manufacturer now that we really like and we are in the final stages of samples before production. We are both pretty busy, and that feels good. Its not easy. I have to have a lot of patience with myself as well as with others. Some days I don't write. I just garden or clean. Sometimes we watch a movie. We have our bad days. Sometimes bad days-in-a-row. Thats ok though, so I am told. Sometimes I have to force myself to get up. So I do because we have to. I have no choice but to get up and work for my self, for my family and for my sanity. I got to talk with other parents who lost their child to Neuroblastoma a few weeks ago. I needed that because I just had to make sure I am not crazy. I am not. They are not. We watched our child die.

With all of our busyness, we still make a point to do stuff non business non foundation related such as art walks, a drive, gardening, a movie, or just a walk around Salem or Neurburyport. The best thing is all of that stuff is free :) 

Deep Breath. This felt good. I needed to just sit and write in this blog. 

** To all dads out there.. you are not crazy. We are not crazy. Take deep breaths often. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday My sweet baby


Today you turned 2. Mommy and I are always thinking of you and you will be happy to know that I am going to cut the grass today on your "tractor" :) There are a lot of people who love you and are thinking of you today. We might have a fire tonight outside because you love fires. Oh.. and I am sure you already know this, but the garden is doing great.. we are going to grow some potatoes this year! We are also trying some new white pumpkins..

Fallon misses you. She guards your toys keeping them safe for your future brothers and sisters. Fallon loves it when Colin, Thomas and Eleanor come over because she knows that they are your friends. Fallon needs her baby fix. :)

We know you are here. We feel your presence in the house and your room and on the yard. I want you to know that I love you so much and I miss you even more.. I feel so privileged to have known you and learned from you. I carry you with me every day and there is not a moment that goes buy that I don't think about you and smile. You always smiled no matter what. You are such an inspiration to us and to thousands of other people though out the world. Yes.. people know you from all over the world. :)

Lets go cut the grass.

Happy Birthday