Monday, November 26, 2012

Colorful Lights and an anniversary

How do I prepare myself for the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death?

First of all, I have to allow myself to look forward to christmas. Meaning - decorations.
Most of the past year I have maintained I will not decorate, turn on the colorful lights on the house or put up a tree. I thought it would just be to difficult. But after much consideration, talking with Kezia about it and reading others' posts from the past I think it would be a great idea to put up a tree. Saoirse would have loved it. Plus I strongly feel her presence in the house, so I think her spirit will be sad if we don't decorate. She loved the colorful lights. I also feel that by not decorating I will be avoiding feelings that I need to embrace.

I miss her so much. Thanksgiving was tough, it was the last major "first" holiday without her. She died right before christmas last year so christmas was the first major holiday without her. But last year, right about this time of year Saoirse started getting really sick. Life was a blur for me. My entire focus was Saoirse and getting her well and dealing with strong conflicting feelings that I knew in the depths of my soul that she was dying. I don't really remember christmas last year.

Kezia and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do for the anniversary. We just don't know. Maybe let off a couple of lanterns? Go to dinner somewhere? Go somewhere special and spread some of her ashes?

See, our feelings don't go away until the 13th every month. The 13th is everyday for us.

I talk to her every day, as if I am telling her a story about our life. It is a weird thing. Its like we are sitting on the porch or yard and I am telling her about our life. Hard to explain right now.

Deep breath

I just miss her so much and wish I could hold her one more time.

Deep breath

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Cancer is Pain. Period.

Its been difficult starting our business. We attended our first conference last weekend in Dallas and it was a huge success. We retrieved 90 leads from nurses and nurse managers all over the US. They all loved our products and want samples for trial. It was overwhelming. Our booth was constantly packed with people. Although it was overwhelming, it was fun and we enjoyed meeting everyone as well as the feedback we received regarding our products. The difficult part was knowing our products were developed while our daughter was sick. I wish I didn't have this product, I would trade it all to have Saoirse back. I would trade it all to have her not had been sick.

There is no comparable feeling than to watch your child suffer.

There is no comparable feeling than watching your child die.

Cancer in children is a horrible thing. Its evil. Its unforgiving. Its ridged. Its smart.

Cancer doesn't consider feelings or thoughts.

Cancer doesn't care about pain.

Cancer is Pain. Period.

Deep breath.

We are going to help others with our products. Kezia is going to help others with her foundation. Its a choice to do this. We can sit and fall into our sorrow or we can embrace it and keep our heads high. We didn't teach Saoirse to fall into her sorrow, we encouraged and built encouragement and love. That is us, it has to be.

Deep breath.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I do not want the holidays to come

The past few weeks has been difficult. Usually I am excited about the holidays. I love decorating and getting the tree. This year not so much. Actually, I am not excited about it at all. I do not want the holidays to be here at all. Halloween was horrible. I really missed the excitement of what we would design for a costume for Saoirse. I know it was difficult on Kezia too. We just didn't seem very excited.

Deep Breath

I am not sure I want an xmas tree this year either. I guess I just feel overwhelmed that it has almost been a year. I miss holding her. I miss her learning and smiling and being excited about things she discovers. I miss her playing with Fallon. I feel her presence here in the house too. Its just so surreal.

There are some things that I can't/won't put away yet.

Folded clothes I put on my dresser about a week before she died as well as her sweater and toothbrush

Folded clothes and one of her clothes hangers and a bag of snacks. I put these there on my bedroom radiator the day before we took her to the hospital last year

Her changing table. Nothing has changed yet. her shoes are still there as if they are waiting for her feet.