I decided last Saturday that I was not going to pick up my computer over the weekend, and I didn't. My blood pressure was up, My heart was pounding so hard it was shaking my body. I couldn't sleep because of it. I was worried so I went to my cardiologist just to get checked out (all checked out fine.. doctors orders were to relax, get a massage and do relaxation exercise).
I was so focused on that ACS comment and all the off the wall comments from others that i allowed myself to get incredibly stressed out. I was so angry. I was so focuses on things I could not control. But anger wasn't going to help. It can help motivate, but only if no one gets hurt. We were teaching Saoirse to look at all sides of a situation and do research. We were not teaching Saoirse to stay stressed out. We incorporated a lot of relaxation exercises with her such as quiet time at night when we would just read books. I miss that. She always went for the big red Curious George book. It was one of her favorites. We sang a lot, and we danced a lot. We gave her soothing warm baths before bed to help her relax. It helped us too. It was important to us to keep her comfortable. We hugged her all the time. She loved hugging. She would hug you and she would say "awwww". I miss that. It was a challenge keeping her comfortable sometimes, but we succeeded.
I am so deeply sad, hurt and stunned that it was so easy to just latch onto something in a negative way. it was to much .. I was allowing my frustrations to really get me. I felt like i was no longer grieving my daughter, but trying to find things to focus on where I could get angry, avoid my sadness and it really took its toll on my body and my mind. The reality is I am incredibly sad and lost.
I also thought I got away from the focus of my blog.. a grieving father .. in hopes of helping me process through writing, connecting with other grieving fathers and mothers, and spreading awareness of Neuroblastoma.
The moment I made the decision to leave my computer alone this past weekend I felt better. I found myself more relaxed and more in touch with my emotions. My entire body and mind felt better. Kezia has her own stress and grieving to go through and she doesn't need me stressing myself out needlessly. We are re-booting our lives and its not easy or quick. It is something that can not be forced. Every day we blame ourselves for something in the past; weather its about a treatment for Saoirse, "Maybe we should have done this differently", or "that instead".. "I wish we had stayed in New York". But we find that if we talk about it and start facing little things and dealing with it, it gets easier and grow a little bit. For instance, on Sunday we packed up all of the large toys in the living room. We put them in storage. It was sad and heartbreaking.. but it was also good because we got to think of all the good times these toys brought Saoirse. She loved all of her toys. It seemed she loved them equally. She was so fun to play with. I have some funny stories, which I will save for tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that. Actually I have a funny story about Kezia's sunglasses and Saoirse's toys.
All in all we are doing ok. I have my down days and up days. Most of the time my days are filled with ups and downs. I am more motivated to work on our business plan for the business. Today we went and met with a manufacturer so we can get a quote for the products to be made. Then I can finish the budget.
More on that later. Right now I need to go...