Wednesday, June 8, 2016

An important race track. On so many levels.

"🎼 🎧 🎹 🎻 🎤", the music played the background. 

It was faint. Also blended into the muffled sound of other shoppers, beeps and buzzers. 

"that's a stupid song", I mumbled to myself. I took a deep breath. 

"🎤 🎻 🎹 🎧 🎼", the music played in the background. 


Its no longer faint. I can't here the other people anymore. The Isle smells like a mixture between molded rubber and pet food. This music is incredibly sad. Its cold in here. Should be warm.

"why the fuck would a grocery store play such fucked up sad music!", I mumbled loudly, trying to fight back... 

I was searching deep .. Trying to focus on the dog food. The price. Color of the bag. Then I thought of Fallon and how she hasn't had regular dog food since breakfast on tuesday. She ate, and she loved it. It wasn't the regular. But I thought about how unfair this all is to Fallon. I felt as if I had let her down by not giving her dog food for a couple of meals. 

TO FALLON?  I let Fallon down? 


I can't hold it back. 
No Mike. 
Fight it. 
We are in a grocery store. 
Keep it together. 

Deep Breath.

Ug. I need to get out of her. 

"ok. ok. ok.", I said out loud hopping no one else was in the isle. They will think Im crazy. I haven't shaved, or had a hair cut in a week. I smell. I need a shower.

When will I have time for a shower. 


In through the nose. Out through the mouth. 

Stupid sad songs. I hate them. 

Then it came. It overpowered me like the ebb during a bad tide. ??
I could not stop it. 

Thats OK... :)
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Crying is good. 

The above happened this morning at the Market Basket. Kezia and I were on our way back home from Kezia's yoga class. She was in the car. 

This is my reality, however Not a common occurrence. Most of the time I can make it out of the store, or where ever I am at the time. 

Its part of our exclusive dues. These dues may or may not be due every day. But on the days they are due.. there is little or no warning. 

Positive self talk. Many counts to 5. Sometimes 20. Sometimes to a 100. Deep breathing and visual realization exercises. 

Thinking things through logically. Talking.. or for me, venting to others.

A lot. To much I think sometimes. I do fear I wear out my welcome to my buddies when I need to vent. 

Just an excuse to avoid. So I push and keep asking. 

They keep listening. 

I have an extremely large amount of pressure on me right now. I am the caretaker of my family, business & home. With one of my family members sick. The other dead. 

By the way.. we are coming off of Saoirse's birthday week. Its been an excruciating amount of pain this year. 

I put so much into other people that its easy to neglect myself. 

This afternoon I was sitting at my computer working and waiting for Kristina to bring Lochlan home from a morning of fun and adventure at Grammy & Grampa camp. 

I was overwhelmed by the fact that we will need inventory soon. And we need the cash for it. ORRRR all of the medical facilities that owe us money can pay us on time. Or not in 45 days. We will make it. 

Customers. Inventory. Get more customers. Clinical trials. Kezia. Saoirse. Lochlan. Fallon. The house. The camper.

WE need to sell that thing. Now. We need the money. 

Its a tremendous amount of stress managing a start up in the medical industry. Its a constant uphill battle. However there are great roads on the horizon. Its a far horizon. 

I was feeling very stressed and Lochlan would be home soon. 
I had to get it together. 
Then I received a text message out of the blue from Emily. It changed my day. 

"You need to take 10 minutes a day strictly for yourself. It's not optional -- you need to mentally have something to look forward to and a chance, even a small chance, to reset every single day. As a caregiver you are taking care of everyones needs and it's easy to say your 10 minutes a day can be skipped bc there are "more important things" to do but you have to fight that instinct. Im insisting that you do. I know that 10 minutes a day isnt enough obviously but it's something and it's consistent and it's mandatory. If you get sick or you burn out youre no help to anyone -- to put it bluntly -- so you cant allow that to happen if for no other reason than that. And taking care of yourself -- including taking a shower and getting dressed every day whether you feel like it or not -- is part of that insurance that you can keep going and keep being there for the people who need you. I know youre putting you last bc they need you but if you neglect yourself youre not helping them either. Esp L who's watching you you know. Please trust me on this even though it goes against what youre feeling right now..................

Your 10 minutes can be a walk by yourself or a shower or a beer or whatever you want -- whatever makes you happy in that moment.........."

I let her know that she made not only my day, but also my blog. 

I felt it was important to share this because everyone needs a friend  like Emily in their lives.

Its important for me to let people in. To humble myself and step back for a moment and say "wait what?" - (thank you Dean Ryan from Harvard Graduate School - Ill write about this later and no I am not a Harvard grad, but would love to get my MBA there. Or Doctorate. I saw this online)

Sometimes these people are already in our lives and we just don't know it.. 

or want to see it. Or accept it. 

For me this happens when I put blinders on and get so focused on projects. This creates more stress and then that stress comes out sideways. Usually frustration and anger. Yelling. 

Emily politely, yet bluntly told me to remove my blinders. 

I agreed. My day went on. We had a great intake meeting for work with the NEPDC. 

I am still behind in EVERYTHING. I am still stressed. I am still deeply, very deeply sad. 

However my perspective has been a bit different today and that has greatly helped my emotional self and allowed me to stabilize my day. 

And so are my expectations on myself. 

Thank you Emily. 

Tomorrow I start all over again. But I will take that 10 minutes. Ill tell you about it. 

Lochlan and I had a great art filled afternoon building a race track out of construction paper for his new matchbox jeep. I video'd the entire time and will edit the video and put it up this weekend sometime. Until then here is a small blurb to end the night. 

I want to start off by saying that our life does have a lot of positive. I will write about it I promise. I am working on finding my writing balance. I know what I want to say, but sometimes I don't know how. I have a lot to say.

Its all part of our club

I also need to mention that I am, and can be pretty forward in my writing. Sometimes blunt. Yesterday I wrote about support. Let me say that there are some people who go above and beyond to be with and to help Kezia and our family. You know who you are. We know who you are.  I am not speaking to you in some situations I write about.

I do not, nor will I apologize for what I write. This is my life and I'm writing from my perspective.

Also. I am communicating how I feel and on what I see, and hear about from Kezia and our life in general. She tells me her needs and wants. We do communicate - sometimes not very well, however we make the effort with each other.

I want to write dialog about something that happened a few years ago. But I'm a bit thrown off on writing today. I am not sure if its a "self-conscience" think or what. I started to think last night that no-one will read what Im writing, and if they do; they will think its stupid and just "another cancer blog about a family that lost a kid to cancer".


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Ug.. Tuesday mornings are now the most stressful day of the week for me. It use to be Tuesday & Wednesday. So things are getting better. My anxiety races and my heart pounds hard. Its bad sometimes.

Kezia has treatment on Tuesday mornings. When she could drive, she would drive and meet her mom up in Haverhill and her mom would take Lochlan to her house, or shopping, or the studio, or park. Kezia would go on to treatment.

This gave me a whole morning from 7am to noon or 1pm alone. No one home but me and the pup. Work Time.

Time for the daily dues for our club.

That sounds like a normal morning for most, or some. Wife or hubby takes kids to school, daycare, nanny, granny, shopping, etc.. A car is involved. ..

Here it comes.

For me, when my family gets in a car without me and I am not driving, I panic. I fear something is going to happen. I can not protect my family if I am not with them. Its overwhelming sometimes.

Its scary enough when my child drives in the car with a family member. It gets even worse when my child and/or wife gets in a car with a non-family member. I feel scared and vulnerable in that moment.

Deep breath.

Plus. I do not trust other drivers. Not anymore. It wasn't long before Saoirse was borne that texting became a big thing. This added another distraction on top of tuning the radio, talking to others in the car, thinking, looking for that perfect song on the portable music device, reading a book, grading papers, reading the newspaper, drinking, smoking, smoking pot, reading a map (paper and phone), putting on makeup (seen both men and women do this on highway), etc.

I have done a lot of commuting in my life. I'm sure you have too. I've seen some scary messed up stuff that people do while driving.

Now texting.

Yes, I have tuned my radio while driving, talked to others, I think while driving and have eaten while driving.
Yes I go to the extreme sometimes. Its part of the club. Its a constant fear. Its getting more manageable though.