Saturday, January 14, 2012

Anxiety and Sadness

Through out the day my anxiety keeps progressing. I have horrible anxiety sometimes.  I am full of emotions and sometimes I just take a walk outside and cry and get some fresh air. I do projects, I read ... yet I am so bored. I want to be hanging out and playing with Saoirse. I also have a difficult time getting that morning out of my mind. Sometimes when I wake up and start my day I feel I will have a good day.. then I don't. Sometimes it starts out bad, then turns ok. I just can't believe how profound, raw and deep my feelings are running. I went out and hummed Saoirse's lullaby to her. I do this every night.

I am just in a deep sadness and I wish I could hold her just one last time. I am just trying so hard to stomp forward one foot at a time. I will.


  1. Mike, God bless you and your wife. Keep writing and doing everything that helps you, that makes you feel better.
    I'm sure your daughter knew the awesome parents she had and how lucky she was.
    Keep your head up and looking forward... your baby girl is proud and looking over you always. :)
    Much love for the both of you.

  2. Mike, I hope you get to start on your NB foundation soon. Saoirse will be so proud. Prayers and hugs to both of you. One day at a will get through this.

  3. Time takes time. I know that one day you will feel hopeful and happy again - no one knows when that day will come but in the meantime all you can do is get through each day - one day at a time, until it gets easier. I have never been through a loss of this magnitude but I find your strength admirable and with all that you have been through I also would understand if you weren't dealing at all yet so don't beat yourself up about going through this process. I don't know you but have followed your story for some time and fell in love with your daughter as soon as I saw her picture - I can't really explain the effect it has had on me - perhaps because I have a daughter who is similar in age, or maybe it's simply because the love and determination your family has shown throughout this terrible ordeal is nothing less than amazing - some go through a lifetime without that amount of love in their lives. Saoirse has touched so many people and she will never be forgotten. I wish you and your family all the best now and in the future. I wish I had something to say that could have you read this and make you feel better instantly - but time takes time.

  4. Dear Mike,

    We all come in to each other's lives for a reason: To help each other grow.

    Saoirse may have only been 18 months old when she passed, but she is a kindred soul who came in to your life to help you learn. You will realize exactly what this is as you reflect on her memory through the years to come (since no one can "tell" you what this is).

    For now, you must take strength knowing that Saoirse is no longer in pain, and that she is happy and in a very good place - wherever she is now. Even though her physical presence is no longer with us, you should know that her soul lives on: She may even be watching over you right now, helping to heal your hearts! So please, know that she is now free of all the physical pain and suffering that she went through just before her passing. Knowing this, along with the strength of your love for her, please be happy for her because she is happy and well.

    Always treasure her memory, and in honor of her memory, please share with others the light she brought in to your lives: Let her kindness, her love, her joy, her generosity, and her determination shine, and live on through your lives!

    Toronto, ON

  5. Very, very, well said AJ. I believe that 'death' is merely for our bodies, but that our souls 'pass' on to a type of 'dream' state. A different consciousness, if you like. All of our experiences and emotions here on earth are owned by our soul and our soul takes the great ones with us to this 'dream' state, a state where we can exist at our truly happiest, with those we love and who love us the most, and in no pain. There is no recollection of how we passed, knowledge that we HAVE passed, or awareness that anything has 'changed' at all. Mike, because of your strong love, I think Saoirse's dream is somehow shared with you when you really need it, to let you know she's okay, keep you going and give you strength--the 'normal' (life with you at home) that you describe those dreams to be IS her reality now, what she exists in now. Normal sure seems nice, doesn't it? Similarly, I believe that she 'shares with' and helps Kezia but perhaps in other ways. How we grieve and what we need, and when we need it, to get through it is completely individual, as you know. So too, then, are the ways your beautiful little girl touches you, out of the love that keeps your spirits together eternally.

    So, while she could only be with you for little more than 18 months here, you gave her such a wonderful life; such wonderful love and experiences. You gave her the absolutely wonderful existence that she will now live in forever--a'normal' life with you and Kezia; a life where she is happy, laughing, playing, sharing and cuddling with you, and feeling so loved. Be proud Mike and Kezia for, as much as she was a gift to you, you as well were a gift to her.
    Take strength where you can, Mike. Let the last morning go as you can--she doesn't carry it with her and wouldn't want you to either. you can, I know.

    She was such a gift to you and Kezia. Thank you for sharing Saoirse with others and, so, allowing us to love her too.

  6. When you post on your blog about her you are providing us a glimpse into your life with a very special little girl. This is very much appreciated because all three of you make me more aware of what is important and that is family. Take it day by day or hour by hour and keep blogging.

  7. I wish you more moments of peace. You're braver and far stronger than you know.

  8. I know how difficult it is to be tolerated to know she is gone. All people feel that same feeling when their loved one passes away. It takes time, it depends on people. Hope our prayers and healing thoughts reach you two to help ease the emotions.

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