Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Individual.

I need to take all of the video and photos off of my phone today. My phone is full. I have been avoiding this for a couple of weeks. I have a hard time watching videos of Saoirse. but i feel i need to.

at night when I walk upstairs I still start off tippy toeing up because I don't want to disturb Saoirse. About half way up, sometimes a quarter way up reality sets in. It turns into a complete surreal situation. My life seems as if it is a complete surreal situation. I keep waiting for a dream to be over and I will wake up and hear Saoirse playing downstairs. But that is not going to happen. I will only hear her in my imagination and heart. I hear her voice every day. I see her smile every day. I see her "george" expression every day. I hear her laugh every day.

I am comforted when I talk with other dads who lost a child to this nasty disease Neuroblastoma. there is a bond like no other. and the only ones who know what this feels like are other dads like me. and even then it goes deeper because its just so individual. it helps though. its not the same as talking with my wife or other friends.

Kezia and I are dealing with this in our own individual ways and that is ok. we support each other very well.  We also respect each other knowing that we each have our own way of dealing and grieving. Kezia has a lot of support and spends a lot of time with her friends in the Mom's group. they are all so awesome.

i have a lot more to write about. I just feel that today I need to write. a lot. i miss her so much and want to hold her.

deep breath

11 comments:

  1. Mike I don't have anything special or wonderful to impart.
    I just wanted to let you know i'm sending love and light your way.
    Thinking about you this day.

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  3. Hi Mike,

    I understand that you need space on your phone. That makes total sense. I would just recommend that you leave just a few pictures at least and maybe one or two videos of her. When you're out and about, and feel that pang in your heart, you can look at her, and see her. Like I've said before, my dad is dying of cancer, and we were blessed that he was well enough to make it to see our new home and our new daughter for this Christmas. I didn't take a lot of pictures because that's not how I choose to remember my dad, but I did take some. I back them up, but I don't think I could take them off because sometimes I just need to see him. I have tons of my daughter, because I need to see her all the time. I don't claim to know what you're going through, but I hope that you don't take them all off... I'm always thinking about you and your wife. Love and hugs to you from Washington state.

    //Jennifer O'Dell

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  4. Thanks for sharing Mike. The awesome father that you were (and are) to Saoirse continues to shine through in your posts.

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  5. When I read posts written my parents who have lost a child, I never know what to say because I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are all going through. My heart breaks for each and everyone of you. Praying for strength.

    Terri Novotny

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  6. Mike,
    Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wish you well. You are a wonderful dad and husband and I think it's great you're finding a way to express your grief through your writing and your group.

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  7. I know you and Kezia each have to walk through this alone. I wish you didn't, but there is no alternative. So many people care about and love and support you. And are there to help in any other way that they can.

    As for the phone, boy, are you strong. I would reduce the phone service to the minimum required to retain the service/number and get another phone to use. I don't think I could give it up for a very long time.

    You are both in my thoughts and heart every day. So much more than you can know.
    Audra

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  8. Mike,

    I just wanted to let you know that my wife and I are praying for you. We are friends of some friends of yours and we are on 80 Centre (the log cabin). We hope to drop by to meet you and Kezia if that's okay. Although we have never met, you both have been in our prayers and heavy on our hearts since we heard. We want to be available for you anytime. You both are welcome to come by anytime as well.

    Shawn & Bonita

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  9. Thinking of you and Kezia during this very difficult time. You are both so inspiring...

    -Alexia

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  10. It is good to know you are talking with other fathers who lost their child to the same disease. of course, it is not the same thing as talking with family/friends, but at least, it does help a lot. I agree, it is important to take your own space on your time to be alone to think about, etc. Sending healing thoughts as always.

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