Monday, January 16, 2012

Dispair, Helplessness and Giving up is No Option.

I remember back when Saoirse was diagnosed on May 5th of 2011. We had no money. I hadn't been able to work for the most part for the previous 3 weeks while we were fighting for Saoirse to be diagnosed. Yes fighting.. I will get into that later. She was all i could think about (her eyes were bulging out of her head and lumps kept popping up) Plus on top of that Kezia was sick and going through Chemo and I was worried about her too. I remember the next day, no the day after that I think, I went home to get some things for Kez and Saoirse. There was no gas in our car, or our other car for that matter. My CC had been declined earlier while trying to get some coffee and we only had like $5 in our checking account. The gas light had come on about half way home. We live about 25 miles from the hospital. I really didn't pay much attention to it, all i could think about during that drive was the info the multiple doctors had come in and talked to us about. I was in a panic and had a lot of fear. This cancer scared us. bad. I was completely stunned. I still am. I really didn't know how i was going to put gas in my car. I got all of the stuff together and got it in the car. How was I going to get back to my daughter and wife? I went into a small panic and felt a deep sense of despair and helplessness. My stomach was heavy. I just wanted to get back to my family. I was embarrassed to go next door, i would have though but they were not home. I thought about just risking it and taking the chance on going there and seeing if i make it. Then i remembered I have a gas can in my garage, but I knew it was low. It was. I think there must have been about half a gallon in there. Most of it spilled down the side of the car. No funnel. Go figure. Regardless I made it back. There are a lot of parents out there who were in and are in the same situation and worse. I know what it feels like.

Then when someone helps, the deep sense of relief. The impact on families is profound. Deeply profound. Our lives stopped. Again. I admire all of those out there in the same or similar situation. I send you my love and positive energy. You are not alone.  Do not give up, keep fighting. There is help out there, there could be more, but there is help. There is 1 large way that we can help.



  1. I really can't tell you how inspired I am!!! Even with all that you have been through and are going through, you are still trying so hard I help others. It's amazing.

  2. Every time that I read your posts I am amazed by you and your wife. You always infuse your posts with hope, for yourself and for others, don't ever give up. And continue to post Mike, because you and Kezia are helping more people than you could ever dream.

  3. Mike, what a moving post. And a wonderful thing for you to do for other parents out there who are going through similar experiences. There is so much power in knowing you are not alone. For others, I'm sure its a perspective changer for many.

    I wonder, would you mind if I used this post as part of my presentations at one, or maybe both, of the fundraisers I have coming up on the 15? I know its hard for people to relate to what families go through when a child has cancer, this is a very moving and 'relatable' post and may help with awareness.

    1. I thought the same thing--very easy to relate too and understand.

  4. Sorry Mike-- Man that must have sucked , to put it mildly :). I would assume things are still diffciult now but I pray donationtions are helping just to take the burden off on some of the smaller things like gas and stuff. One day at a time. BTW have you tried maybe trying something to help you sleep like Melatonin or something matural like that? Sometimes when you are over tired, over anxious and over stressed your body still has a hard time resting even when exhausted. This is know from experience. I had to jump up to Ambien as I got pretty desperate but only needed it for a short time. Others swear by Melotonin or even Tylenol PM or something. Good Luck. I pray you start feeling better soon.

  5. I am sorry that you went through with this. I can imagine how scary it was, especially with those serious situation. I agree there are people who are very generous, caring, and understanding. We NEED more people like this in this world!