Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dream, ashes, plastic bags, twist ties and frustration

Saoirse visited in one of my dreams last night. I didn't see her or hold her, but I heard her. I was walking onto our back porch and I could hear something inside the house. It was Saoirse talking and singing. It felt great to hear. I remember being excited to go inside to see her, and as I walked in my dream ended. I don't remember anything else.

I miss her so much.

Yesterday was a very surreal day.. actually it was surreal on top of surreal. Kezia and I opened Saoirse's ashes yesterday. It was like some kind of time warp time stop moment. There was my daughter, in a plastic bag with a twist tie keeping it together.
The ashes are gritty, sandy like. With little white hard pieces. The ashes are heavy and dense. it just seems so weird. For 18 months I made sure she was dressed correctly, comfortable. now she is in a plastic bag. I will find something.

deep breath.

Ok. i am done writing for now. I want to tell a story about Saoirse but I just can't right now. I am frustrated about some things and trying not to let them derail me from my grief. So one of the best ways I know how to not let that happen is to talk about my wonderful daughter. right now though I am just so emotionally overwhelmed i am going to take a break from writing and go clean the shower and give Fallon a bath.


  1. Mike, your awesome.
    I think your ability to be in the present and express your emotions will be helpful in the long run. But ashes are just ashes. My father in law we spread his ashes over the sea because that is where he belonged and felt as one. You see, their spirit is free and running.. It is us who try to keep them in bags, etc.. But they are running free and filling all the space around us.

  2. I understand the need to hold onto something; to have her there in some physical form. I really do get that. I think its the need to hold onto a feeling, a connection. To feel like she's still there. Our bodies, though, are just that. They are important, but they don't really define who we are. What's in that plastic bag is just Saoirse's 'vehicle' from when she was here. Our spirit, personality, soul, whatever you prefer to call it...that is who we are. And when we go, we leave the body behind, because it was just our 'vehicle' while we're here. Who Saoirse is, her spirit, is with you and existing in that beautiful dream where nothing is wrong, everything is normal and she is with the spirits of those she loves and who love her. With you and Kezia. Its how she is able to come to you in the dream, but not physically. I'm sure she is helping Kezia is a different way, there with her somehow. I hope she comes to visit Kezia and share the dream with her soon.

    I really hope the source of your frustrations either resolve themselves or just go the heck away, and fast. You need frustrations, negativity, road blocks like a hole in the head. You deserve a road free of obstacles and I hope it appears for you soon. I sincerely hope that the comments are helpful and don't add to your frustration or anger. Take it like a grain of salt or ask for it to stop I guess if it doesn't help.
    You are both in my thoughts and I grieve for you, and Saoirse

  3. I really enjoy all of the comments I get on my blog. It really does help me :)

    1. :) Thanks Mike. Just don't ever want to make any day worse for you or Kezia. Whatever you need, however you need it, okay? You know where to find me.

    2. And, love all the changes to your blog--you have been working hard! And the change to your profile is good....maybe reassures people just looking now that donations are going to neuroblastoma too. Thats probably important.

  4. Just one more stranger here, sending love and prayers from a heart that is aching for you and Kezia. Xoxo to both of you.

  5. Every time you or Kezia post I am amazed at the strength that you and Kezia have. Opening Saoirse's ashes is a huge step and I think that it's wonderful you and Kezia could feel that you were ready and complete that task together.

    I hope that Saoirse visits you in your dreams again soon, and perhaps she can see Kezia too, I know she means to bring you comfort when she stops in. Good luck with your frustrations and may they be resolved very soon.

    Thinking of you and your beautiful family.

  6. When my father died last year, I looked at his ashes. I thought the same thing you did - here is what's left of my dad - sand like ashes with bone. It was and still is hard to think that he was there physically in body and now he is just a pile of ashes in a bag. It sounds like you feel the same way. But I get through it just remembering that he's not sick anymore. And his spirit still exists. No matter what, you still don't deserve to not have your daughter with you and to have gone through all you did.

  7. I just viewed your blog for the first time. Your family has been through more than one should ever have to endure. I lost my father to a sudden illness and I too have his ashes in a velour bag on a shelf in my kitchen. He loved to cook and I was so happy to receive his beloved utensils and cook books. I take comfort in knowing that I have him with me and watching over me. This spring, after three years we will bury the ashes and add his name to the grave stone with my grandparents. I feel like I am finally ready to give him a final resting place. I wish you and your wife strength during this time.

  8. Wow. That must have been hard for you. I can't imagine. She is in your heart and visiting you in your dreams. I love how she visits you. I really believe in that. I know many people who have told me that happens. Does Fallon ever bark at "nothing" or act werid-?? I bet she visits more than you know.

    I want my ashes to be mixed in with paint and made into a picture. Then I told my husband I would haunt him --LOL. But serioulsy, I do want my ashes made into some type of picture. That is not easy to think about or talk about is it?

  9. Mike,

    I am the mother of 3 daughters and would not normally comment,

    I am writing this because you said these replies help you.

    I read both blogs and their comments.

    There are more people than you know reading your blog that do not comment.

    We look forward to reading your posts to see how you are progressing through your very painful journey.

    There are many others like me who are usually silent.

    I want you to know that these "silent" people are standing behind you and Kezia as you go through this journey.


  10. Mike,

    You are a good Dad,


  11. I truly truly can't imagine. I remember feeling similar feelings when my dog's ashes arrived, but my child? I just can't...I give you guys so much credit for just plugging along.

    Oh and the comment about the "silent" people, that's so true. I've been one of them until today. God bless.

  12. I don't usually comment but I always read your posts and my heart & thoughts are with you both.

    I can only imagine how hard this must be. I wanted to say that I am so glad she has visited you in your dreams. She knows how much you still need her, even if you can only hear her voice, it's something. I've always believed that when someone we love passes and they visit you in your dreams it's their way of communicating. There are some people I love that I rarely dream of but just when I need it the the most I will dream of them. It always brings comfort.

    When you mentioned her ashes it made me remember some sites I had seen that make diamonds out of your loved ones ashes. They're expensive and it would probably take a while to save but it might be something to think about.

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  14. I am thinking of you this morning and wishing you and Kezia peace. My husband and I learned some devastating news about the child i am carrying today. I thought of the Fitzgeralds and got some strength and persepctive. thank you-e

  15. It is interesting and nice that she visited you again in the dream. I think she is trying to make you feel more calmer and a bit happy when feeling her presence anytime. I know her ashes are different because she was once a human being, but now all of her remained was in the ashes. Her ashes/urn might be placed next to her favorite stuffed animals like Curious George, Elmo, etc. She'd love that.

  16. My heart breaks everytime I read your blog. I can't imagine going thru this. I am glad you are able to write things to help you. You will always feel her presence around you.

  17. Mike, You are doing great. Hang in there. These things are so hard to deal with. Remember that Saoirse's body is just that...a place to house her beautiful spirit. She lives still and is watching over you, Kezia, and Fallon. Her spirit is eternal and you will see her again someday. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but those are mine. I know that families can be together forever and that we can be bound together eternally. She is in heaven watching over you and is aware of you (and she is pain free!).

    Much love and prayers to you from out West!

  18. Thinking of you and Kezia today and sending you prayers and lots of hugs.

  19. Bless you and your wife Kezia. I too know the loss of a child and was blessed to have my beautiful daughter Jordan for 18 years. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. No one should have to lose a child and for over the past 2 years I still ask why.
    I have read some good books that have helped and if you and your wife enjoy reading I would suggest the book 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. My husband and I both read it and it put Heaven in a better perspective for us.
    Dreams are a special way that we get to see our loved one. I dream of my Jordan now and then, some are good and some not. They do leave me wanting more of her. I aslo find peace in butterflies. They seem to come when I need it most so spring can't get here soon enough!
    My husband and I also got a memorial tattoo. I have her portrait and my husband has her fingerprint that was enlarged. She is always with us and has our back...literally. I pray you and your wife find peace and know we have a special angel with us always.

  20. Do you have a beautiful urn for your sweet girl? If not, please ask and let someone step up and do this for your family.

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