Saoirse visited in one of my dreams last night. I didn't see her or hold her, but I heard her. I was walking onto our back porch and I could hear something inside the house. It was Saoirse talking and singing. It felt great to hear. I remember being excited to go inside to see her, and as I walked in my dream ended. I don't remember anything else.
I miss her so much.
Yesterday was a very surreal day.. actually it was surreal on top of surreal. Kezia and I opened Saoirse's ashes yesterday. It was like some kind of time warp time stop moment. There was my daughter, in a plastic bag with a twist tie keeping it together.
The ashes are gritty, sandy like. With little white hard pieces. The ashes are heavy and dense. it just seems so weird. For 18 months I made sure she was dressed correctly, comfortable. now she is in a plastic bag. I will find something.
Ok. i am done writing for now. I want to tell a story about Saoirse but I just can't right now. I am frustrated about some things and trying not to let them derail me from my grief. So one of the best ways I know how to not let that happen is to talk about my wonderful daughter. right now though I am just so emotionally overwhelmed i am going to take a break from writing and go clean the shower and give Fallon a bath.