Monday, September 24, 2012

I just want her to come home.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I am not sure if my system is preparing me for the upcoming months.

Tonight my nephew and Kezia and watching How I Met your Mother. It is the episode where Marshals dad dies and the story is focused on Marshals dad's last words. I had to go upstairs and eat. I just cant watch that episode for a while.

Saoirse's last words to me were "elmo". It was just the night before she died. I put on Elmo on the iPad so she could watch it. She saw the show come on and pointed and mumbled "elmo". She was so swollen she could barely talk. But she mustered up enough energy to say "elmo".

For the past few weeks that moment has been playing over and over in my head. I am trying hard to shake those last hours. I am trying hard to not think about her face, how swollen it was. I am trying hard not to think about all the noises in the ICU as they were doing CPR. I am trying not to think about seeing her little body thrust up and down as they were performing CPR. I just cant bear to her her moaning from pain just before the doctor verbally ordered more sedation.

Deep Breath....

I just want her to come home.

I cant sleep at night. I wake up about every hour. Much like I did when she was in the hospital. I wanted to stay up 24 hours in case she needed me. Its just what a father does for his child.

How does a father deal with the death of his child. How does a father deal with watching his child suffer? How does a father deal with watching his child die.

I have tried walking in the evening hoping it would tire me out enough. I think about happy times all the time hoping it will take away the nightmare images of my daughter dying.

Deep Breath...

I just want to sleep. I want some rest. I have to finish this business plan for our business and I am so stuck. Well, not really stuck because I just need to tighten up loose ends and wait for the quote from our manufacturer.

I am just exhausted. I do not want October to come. I do not want November to come. I do not want December to come.

I did everything I could. And then she died.

Deep breath.

I just want her to come home.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Our New Business Please visit


Its been a while since I posted. I have been pretty busy working to get our business off the ground. We are getting further along. Please visit the website of our new and upcoming business for infants, children, teens and adults who need PICC or Central Lines in the Chest.


Thank you. I have many things to write about and will soon I promise. I miss Saoirse so bad. There are many milestones we have to face in the next few months. I am prepping for that.