We didn't pack everything. We did do the laundry that was in her hamper. Kezia and her mom did that. I went up and grabbed a shirt and smelled it. her scent. my heart broke. I miss her so much. all i do is think about her.
I got a lot done today. i broke down cardboard boxes and bundled them for recycle as well as did some tidying of the yard. I need to adjust my snow blower so its tighter. a pretty simple process, just need to do it. I was really looking forward to snowplowing paths in the back yard so i could pull her around on the sled.. like we did last year. she really enjoyed it last year, she would have had a blast this year.
deep breath.
i know kezia is having a hard time too. she keeps thinking about how she wishes we brought Saoirse to sloan sooner. i wish the same thing. i was concerned that we went to long with out any type of treatment after induction therapy. doctors told me we have some time. we didn't. i know that this is all part of the grieving process.. but that doesn't lessen the feelings and impact. not yet.
I am pretty much done organizing and cleaning for the day. I may go out to the garage later tonight and work on cleaning my work bench. I have an art project I want to work on and need the space. I also want to hook up the wood stove that is out there.
deep breath.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Doing something productive gives you good feelings, a little rush of dopomine. You can become addicted to a feeling of accomplishment. It hurts to hear how hard it has been to go through her things, but her footprint is undeniable and unforgettable. Keep up the good work as idle hands are... well you know. It keeps the mind and body busy. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you guys. Glad you're keeping busy and also writing about how you're feeling. Both are good for you I imagine. Packing boxes, cleaning the porch, etc. - it doesn't mean you're putting your memories away, the objects are just objects. Try (although it's hard) to focus on the LOVE Saoirse received. How many babies out there are not hugged everyday or loved as much as you loved your baby? You continue every day to be amazing parents.
ReplyDeleteDon't torture yourselves too much. I know thats easy to say....but still. You had no way of knowing, or predicting. And it likely would not have changed anything. And, for the cleaning up and putting away...do what feels right to you both, but don't push. The only things that have to get done are the things YOU feel have to be done. She was your everything and, of course, is still your everything. Allow yourselves whatever you need to survive this.
ReplyDeleteIf you put your 'what ifs' to work to make a difference for other families, great. But, if you were to stop, do nothing further toward awareness and fighting this disease, that would be okay too. You, Kezia and Saoirse will still have accomplished SO MUCH, for Saoirse and kids like her. More than the vast majority of people ever will in a lifetime. You have started something, moved and motivated thousands of people, opened our eyes. Thank you.
You two and Saoirse have shown me (and others like me) that I don't have live my life feeling like cancer 'happened' to my family and that I am some sort of, I don't know, 'victim' of what was taken from us. I can use it, instead, to do something and feel like I have some control. Like I'm active in the movement instead of the victim of a monster. It also makes me realize that my brother didn't just go through everything neuroblastoma brings and die for no reason. It was to draw me to your story, be impacted beyond anything I could have anticipated, and be motivated. To realize, finally, that there were things I could DO to fight back. That's quite an accomplishment Mike. Hold her memories close. Only let go of what you are truly ready to let go of. No one can judge how another survives something like this, and there are no right or wrong ways.