I have been very deep in thought today. I just keep thinking about Saoirse, feeling surreal. Lost. Today we decided to take the toys to the hospital wing today. It was something we knew we wanted to do. Donate the gifts to 6 North. Saoirse loved that playroom and that is where she spent all of her time. It was a joy for her. When she was constipated and had to poop, we took her to the play room to stand up and play with the trains. 10 minutes later.. hehe, poop. It was her escape, but sometimes our savior. I felt good knowing that those new toys, and some of them her personal toys are going to played with and bring a lot of joy to some kids. Its exactly what she would have wanted to do. She was a good sharer. :)
We are going over to some friends tonight for dinner and tomorrow night going to an annual xmas eve eve party. Keeping busy, having some kind of plan seems to be helping. Its like we have gone back in time in a way. its so weird just deciding to take a ride and just leaving. no packing diaper bags, no waiting for naps to be over. Just weird. I need to connect with another father who has lost their child. Kezia had an hour or so conversation with another mom whose baby died I believe at the beginning of September. It helps to talk
I am planning a trip for Kezia and I. Kind of a reboot trip, to process and just get away for a while. I feel weird doing this because I feel guilty if i do something good for myself. I just miss her. I have been thinking about how we want to have the house situated before we leave. This means have all of her stuff packed and in a bin for storage. I just want to come back and not do it, I want to do it before we leave. So we have several weeks to do it. We are doing little bits at a time. we just have to have a small plan each day or else we go nuts i think.
It was weird going back to 6 north today. As i parked the car I kept thinking to myself "maybe it was all a dream". As I walked onto the wing, even though i had a cart full of toys, I felt a rush of emotions and memories. I dreamed of Saoirse running around the corner. She did not like being in her room, if she could be up and out, we were. Walking around the wings, riding in carts and playing in the play room. She loved going to talk with everyone. She had a lot of friends there. Mostly nurses and support staff. I should have stayed there with her more. I am tired and have to get ready for dinner tonight.