I have been very deep in thought today. I just keep thinking about Saoirse, feeling surreal. Lost. Today we decided to take the toys to the hospital wing today. It was something we knew we wanted to do. Donate the gifts to 6 North. Saoirse loved that playroom and that is where she spent all of her time. It was a joy for her. When she was constipated and had to poop, we took her to the play room to stand up and play with the trains. 10 minutes later.. hehe, poop. It was her escape, but sometimes our savior. I felt good knowing that those new toys, and some of them her personal toys are going to played with and bring a lot of joy to some kids. Its exactly what she would have wanted to do. She was a good sharer. :)
We are going over to some friends tonight for dinner and tomorrow night going to an annual xmas eve eve party. Keeping busy, having some kind of plan seems to be helping. Its like we have gone back in time in a way. its so weird just deciding to take a ride and just leaving. no packing diaper bags, no waiting for naps to be over. Just weird. I need to connect with another father who has lost their child. Kezia had an hour or so conversation with another mom whose baby died I believe at the beginning of September. It helps to talk
I am planning a trip for Kezia and I. Kind of a reboot trip, to process and just get away for a while. I feel weird doing this because I feel guilty if i do something good for myself. I just miss her. I have been thinking about how we want to have the house situated before we leave. This means have all of her stuff packed and in a bin for storage. I just want to come back and not do it, I want to do it before we leave. So we have several weeks to do it. We are doing little bits at a time. we just have to have a small plan each day or else we go nuts i think.
It was weird going back to 6 north today. As i parked the car I kept thinking to myself "maybe it was all a dream". As I walked onto the wing, even though i had a cart full of toys, I felt a rush of emotions and memories. I dreamed of Saoirse running around the corner. She did not like being in her room, if she could be up and out, we were. Walking around the wings, riding in carts and playing in the play room. She loved going to talk with everyone. She had a lot of friends there. Mostly nurses and support staff. I should have stayed there with her more. I am tired and have to get ready for dinner tonight.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
Mike.. Reach out to Ryan Marsh. His daughter, Layla, died almost two years ago now. You can find him on Facebook or email him at ryan@laylagrace.org.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever feel guilty for going out and doing things. You have too It will help
ReplyDeleteYou have lived your lives around your child for a year and a half, you are going to feel 'weird'. But it's not. It's a process, it's good for you and your wife to get away, relax away from it all for a day or two. But when you come back be prepared for it to hit you again. It will always be there, it dulls in time, but it will hit you with a vengence time and time again. It feels like a dream, you wake up thinking you heard something. You smell her smell. You automatically walk in her room, a million little ways, it's there to remind you. But you need to put one foot in front of the other and one day you won't need to remind yourself to breathe. You won't need to tell yourself this is not happening. Mike, hindsight is always best. Think about it differently, yes maybe you could have stayed there more, but beating yourself up about it now isn't helping. You were there for her, she knew it, she knew you loved her without a doubt. Don't mess up your mind second guessing. One day at a time, one footstep at a time, and one breath at a time.
ReplyDeleteI think about your family often ever since I first read about Saoirse's courageous battle. In fact, I signed up to be on the bone marrow donor list much inspired by your story. I really hope you do find someone to talk to that understands your situation. You and Kezia really deserve that. In the mean time, I'll continue to pray for you and yours. I hope you find your getaway to be exactly what you both need during these difficult times. And thank you for donating those toys, I know you know, but you're making other little kids very happy in doing so.
ReplyDeleteMike, Offer still stands for Beer and Burgers on me. Salem Beer Works has some some good dark stuff right now. Let me when you're interested.
ReplyDelete... I was @ Salem Beer Works on our first trip out ... I'm not one for 'fruity' or 'sugary' beers.. but they had a brew that was dark & had the rim coated w/cinnamon sugar. I know you're a dark brew - Guinness type of guy & it seems almost sacrilegious to put cinnamon sugar on the rim... but it was amazing. ...
ReplyDeleteI think connecting with other parents who lost a child recently would be good for you both. You're not alone & there are millions of others who are also having similar grief @ this time. It's not exactly like yours, but it is probably on a scale where you can support & relate to each other.
I'm glad you're writing. Keep it up.