5:50 am on Friday

I have been waking up early on some days and sleep til 9 on others. I am looking forward to starting our business and getting to work. I woke up and for just a split second, it was like everything was back to normal. I quickly listened for the monitor and then poof. it was gone. then the deep sinking feeling set back in. yesterday was a hard day for both of us. well, it was off and on. there were good moments like going to the book store and i got to renew my drivers license. then there was the difficult. we did some organizing yesterday when meant putting saoirse's things away and packing them into storage bins. I worked on the kitchen and kezia worked in the dining room. we both worked on the stairs.. yes, stair storage is the best. everything i touched gave me a quick fall feeling. having it all around was to much. as if all the meds and the medicine station we had set up was speaking to us. constant reminders of the nights we had to give her up to 5 liquid medicines before bedtime. a lot of liquid. we learned to give them to her by favorites. the worse and most quantity is,..oops, was first, then the most tasty and least quantity was last. sometimes she would throw it all up with in 3 minutes of taking it and we would have to start all over again. she hated it towards the end. she was strong.

I get off topic sometimes. back to the kitchen. each item i touched brought instant memories of her. She was so proud of herself when she could fully use a spoon and feed herself. she was so determined to do it herself. we would show her only 1 or 3 times and she would keep practicing. she learned a lot by watching. when i took her little plates and bowl out of the cabinet, i thought about times she would carry her plate around and it would be full of fruit. plate in one hand, fruit in the other stuffing her mouth.. and Fallon following closely behind for all the drops. haha. finding all of the bottles was difficult. those bottles have quite a history. well, starting with saoirse.. but history has to start somewhere. she loved those bottles the most. colorful, grip able and glass. so they helped build strength. 2 of the bottles had to be cleaned. they are still drying on the counter. as if they are waiting for milk and saoirse.

deep breath. I will write more later. more packing and organizing today. light though, mainly putting the bins we packed yesterday into the cooperage. or basement. then i want to clean and organize the back foyer. I think kezia and her mom are going to clean the back porch.