I am forcing myself to write. Today I am going to get up in front of a lot of people and talk about Saoirse. I have wanted to be left alone all day by everyone except Kezia. My dad made a wonderful breakfast for everyone.. love his breakfast. My parents and family are wonderful and a tremendous support through-out the past year and I don't know what I would have done with out them.
I feel so lost because I have noting to plan, nothing to make, I can't feed my baby or put her down for a nap. It is almost 1pm and I keep listening for the crib monitor to start squeaking Saoirse's voice. She would be getting close to waking up from her nap. I loved so much running up there and seeing her smile as I walked in her bedroom door. Picking her up. She would immediately point to the stairs and cup her little hands, like she was milking a cow. Her sign for milk. I miss that. I tried so hard to protect her. to make sure she was warm, safe and comforted.
I will write more in time, maybe tonight after we get home. More than likely it will be tomorrow. I need to write, to get my thoughts out. I think it is important to share and connect.
We are bringing her ashes home tonight. We brought them a curious george lunch box we want them to put her ashes in.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
It breaks my heart to grasp your pain, so I can't imagine where you are. What I do know, is that it's important to express those emotions & not let them bottle up.
ReplyDeleteJust know you're not alone. You have a wonderful wife & plenty of friends. I understand the need to be left alone... take YOUR time.
If writing helps, then write as much as you can. We are here to read your words in support.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your beautiful family with us. Your daughter has added positivity, beauty, strength and love's light to the universe. I feel privileged just to know about her.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you are going through but I do know you need to let your emotions out and don't keep anything bottled up.
ReplyDeleteSaoirse was my inspiration as I battle Breast Cancer - I have kept a smile on my face and laughter in the air because I know getting depressed won't help - i embraced this journey and I have your little Angel to thank for being my inspiration to continue fighting and laughing - the post on FB and your blogs, the photos of of smiling and videos of of dancing and laughing kept me in check - I told all my friends and people in chemo who were depressed about Saorise AND when they said I inspired them because I embraced my journey and kept my laugher - I told them about Saoirse and how she was my inspiration. God Bless you and your family and Fallon. Sending love and laughter - I am wearing my bright colors and mix matched socks in her honor today
Dad, you did protect her and kept her safe and warm. You loved her. You gave her everything she needed. Writing and talking are good things. I hope you can find a little tiny Elmo to go with Curious George. I think that's a great way to keep her safe with you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you write Mike (and Kezia)--I think it is good for you guys. At the same time I know it isn't easy. Don't worry about what to say. You will say what is in your heart, you will cry ands laugh. You both are so very special. I wish You have to do what is best for all of you. I bet she loves that you got her a Curious George lunch box. Take Care. I hope you find some peace and comfort today. Sairose is with you.
ReplyDeleteYour bravery is incredibly humbling and inspiring. I can't stop thinking of you, kezia and saoirse. Despite that I, like many worlwide don't know you personally, I am crushed at your loss. I will always think of saoirse when I see mismatched socks!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you guys are still writing and I hope you keep writing. Both Little Saoirse and you both have changed me and the way I see and live my life. I am heartbroken but I know she is not suffering anymore and you guys made her so very happy while she was physically here. Rest in peace little angel!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing. I will continue to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a gift she has been given to have such a loving father. Just keep taking one breath after another and when you feel ready to write and be with people, then go for it but dont rush yourself. My heart aches for you and your wife and the many others who missed her.
ReplyDeleteMike, I am crying as I write this note to you. I lost my baby brother to cancer a few months ago and there is barely an hour a day my heart doesn't hurt. Saorise was so blessed to have you and Kezia love and care for her and I know she is still here with you both. I wrote a book many years ago that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross endorsed. I am going to send you and Kezia a copy. Love & Light, Victoria Feldman
ReplyDeleteDear Mike, I am so thankful that you and Kezia continue to write and express your feelings. I have followed your story for months, and as parents, you gave beautiful Saoirse everything she needed. You gave her unconditional love, you watched over her and made the doctors aware of things they could not see, you fought a long and hard battle and gave it everything and more. Saoirse was a lucky little girl to have you as her Daddy. I can only imagine how much pain and hurt you are feeling, but hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that your beautiful angel is no longer in pain...she's happy, giggling, and watching down on both of you. You will all be together again as a family one day, and your hearts will be whole again. I pray that you and Keiza are able to provide all of the comfort, love, and strength you each need to get through this emotional and difficult time. Thank you for writing and letting all of us join you in this journey. We will miss Saoirse's beautiful spirit and smile...please remember that you were the greatest parents that she could have ever hoped for! I will continue to pray for your family for healing, strength, love, and peace.
ReplyDeleteYou did everything you could to fight for you little girl! This evil cancer is just too strong for some to fight off. Having just lost my son to this evil in April, I feel the pain of what you are going through. Slowly, one day you will find your "new normal" again. It won't be easy, but you will get there. Take it one day at a time - take care of yourself and your wife. Let others help you
ReplyDeleteNancy
http://thecookiegal.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/a-new-normal-yet-again/