Thursday, December 29, 2011

the kitchen

Today we are going to start organizing the kitchen and dining room, as well as take down the christmas tree. This is very emotional for me because this means getting rid of all of the medicine and equipment such as syringes and meds. Then put away (in storage bins) most all of the bottles, utincels and plates. We also need to get stuff into the cooperage. Another step in moving forward.  I really miss her today. I miss her smiling, playing with the blocks, exploring the house and sitting on the dog. Right now we would probably be reading or building a building and nocking it down :) she loved it when i would build the block building real high so she could knock it down. She loved knocking it down. she would just laugh and laugh. then start building it again. she was so fun. i miss her helping me feed Fallon. she loved helping. i would teach her how to command fallon to sit and wait. she did a good job.

I started to feel pressured to move on and to get all of her stuff packed. These are things that I want to do in private because its so emotional. I don't want others here, i don't want others help except for Kezia of course, when i pack things of hers. Once we get it packed, we could probably use help in getting the bins either in the basement or the cooperage as well as help getting the house organized. Her bedroom will be the hardest I think.. or the living room toy corner. I hear her laugh. it makes me smile. I also feeling overwhelmed by all of the business cards i have received regarding therapist. I don't do well when i feel pressured to see a therapist. we are going to go to a parents group for parents who have lost a child to cancer. give us time. i get it and i also know people mean very well. I need to write more, but we just got  back from running errands and i need to eat. then its time for the kitchen and dining room. putting all of her stuff in a pile and deciding what we are keeping out. it won't be much. only a plate and bowl as well as a few utinciles. We still have mom group friends who will come over who have babies.

It seems that the more i put away, or pack.. the more reality hits that she is gone. weird. ill write more later. i need to eat and do the kitchen


  1. You are such a strong and amazing family. Nobody should have to endure the pain of losing a child and no child should have to endure cancer. I am so touched by your spirit and I pray everyday for peace and healing to you both.

  2. Mike,
    Thanks for writing. You talk about the things you miss and it reminds me of my 20 month old daughter. Your honesty throughout this experience helps those who read your blog feel a personal connection to the cause of beating neuroblastoma. I will be thinking about you as you are going through things today as I know it will be hard.

    With love and respect,

  3. Sending prayers for peace and comfort. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through her belongings. I was brought to tears at your memory of Saoirse laughing when the blocks would get knocked down. My husband used to do the same with our daughter when she was younger. My heart just breaks for you. (((HUGS))) to you and Kezia. The parent group sounds good. I was a little surprised to read that people are sending you business cards for therapy. Definitely in your own time. Small steps. Love & Prayers, Denise

  4. I know it is difficult to know she is gone and to pack all things away and it is not easy to do that. Please don't feel so pressured to do that while still in grieve. Give yourself more time and do it when you are ready. That'd make it more easier and goes smoothly. There is no rush unless it is necessary.

    I think a parent group is much good and it will help each other to give plenty of support because they all had a same experience as you two by losing a child. A therapist might help with an emotion or some kind of feeling and has a degree, but still a support from parents do help a lot. Sending prayers and healing thoughts.

  5. One day at a time. One task at a time. Don't feel you "have" to do it all at once. It has been 9 months since my Alexander died, and we still have some meds in the fridge. We haven't even started on his room. Some medical thing we donated to the MSPCA, some to another group. Do what you can - when you can

  6. You and Kenzia are so strong and inspire me.

  7. My perspective is to not change anything that was my daughter's. She died from neuroblastoma five years ago and her room is pretty much the same, tidied a bit and dusted from time to time. I like to sit in there and watch her little TV and when I browse among her things, I feel her life resonating in them. I hope you are not feeling unwanted pressure from someone to put away your daughter's things. We kept some of my daughter's meds for quite some time, till I was ready to gradually dispose of them. I believe I still have her SSKI taken for MIBG even now. I could say more about all the variety of things of my daughter's we still have among us five years later (like same container of caramel sundae sauce she liked still in the pantry; a brochure from Box Lunch, her favorite place to get lunch on the Cape, kept in car glovebox all these years and transferred ceremoniously to a new car five years after she was gone.) but I only suggest you should follow your heart about keeping things and doing things when you are ready and not to feel any pressure. Sincerely, Mara Stiles, mother of neuroblastoma angel Laura (1994-2006)