Yesterday was difficult. Before Saoirse was borne I use to really enjoyed my sunday mornings of drinking coffee, reading the news and watching what ever I could find for TV. No hurries and no schedule. Then came baby :) I missed my sunday mornings for a while. The news was replaced with a fun cute daughter who demanded me to hurry, insisted on a schedule and kept us busy with music time, tummy time and lullabies on the music channel on cable TV. Life was changed. Yesterday I had a hard time just sitting here drinking coffee and reading emails. I kept having this overwhelming feeling that I should be doing something. mixing medicine's, doing research, holding saoirse, checking temp's, making sure she is warm and comfortable. Feeding her.
Deep breath
Kezia and I went through all of the donated toys yesterday, and a few we bought for her. We kept a lot of the books. books are important and we started reading books to Saoirse as a newborn. There were a few special toys and stuffed animals we kept. Saoirse loved sharing and we know she would have wanted her future brother and/or sister to have them. The rest are going to some children who need to feel good and get some cool things. Children who need a fun distraction from all that is surrounding
them. Even though it was emotionally draining, it felt good knowing how important those toys are to some children. Small steps.
Fallon came home yesterday. The world's most patient and tolerant Boxer. We are a bit worried about her right now. sometimes it can take a while for it to sink in for her that Saoirse is no longer here. We don't know if she can sense her ashes yet. It feels better that her ashes are here. I feel like she is back home in peace. I am forcing myself to write because i feel so lost inside. the house is to quiet. At night I wake up a lot listening for the crib monitor to see if she is ok. I feel lost, but also finding hope more and more each day. It is getting better. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. It will mark 1 week.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
I wish I could take your pain away but I only can tell you that God knows everything and Saoirse will always be with you guys. God bless your family!
ReplyDeleteI only started reading your blog about a month ago. I am so sorry that Saoirse's time here was so short.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to follow your blog and share it. I want to you and your family heal. I will follow that as well. One day, God willing, you will have comfort knowing that Saoirse is happy, comfortable, and at peace. Grieving takes so so long, and it is so painful. It's ok. Grieve, cry, scream into a pillow if you need it. Soon you will be at a place where you will remember her and it will be more happiness and remembrance of her beautiful life. She is remembered by people who never go to meet her, and I pray that the awareness of Neuroblastoma gets out there.
Praying for you all everyday.
Love you guys... Thanks for the update. I wish I could have taken the toys out to Children's with you... I'm glad you did that. It's very fitting.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you from Katie & I.
Mike - you and Kezia are so amazing for having the strength and heart to go through toys to help other children. Saoirse's specialness will live on forever.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're feeling lost, talk to Saoirse in your heart. Tell her how you're feeling and tell her how much you miss her. She will hear you.
Of course I cry when I read your posts but I am glad you write. I was very happy that you make the statement "future brothers or sisters"--that is very important and shows how strong you guys really are. I think that is important for your future. Though I don't know you I think Saiorse would love that she will someday have siblings. I had sent some curious geroge toys and saw they they had been delivered on Dec. 13--God, I felt just terrible about that. The timing could not have been worese but it sounds like other children will be able to enjoy some of her toys so that is nice. I bet her spirit lives in each one. I sent Kezia an email last night about how I googles images of Sairose and came across some beautiful photos of all of you. They made me smile and made me cry but they were touching and I hope you have seen them. Anyway, I hope you guys can have some time to reflect and just hold eachother. I think with your dog home he will help with the comfort as well. He will be sad but I have a feeling he will be more comforting for you guys. And with her ashes in the house that will hopefully bring some peace for you all as well. Thanks for continuing to write. BTW will you guys get to spend some time with family for Christmas? It won't be easy but you should try.
ReplyDeleteI am aching by reading your blog because I can't do anything about it but just keep on praying for you. Life is just so heavy right now but I promise you that you will get through it. You and your life will get through it and have more children and keep on going for Saoirse! She wants you to be happy. She wants you to smile and she wants you to run and move forward. It is hard. But little angel is right next to you. Keep on going. We are here for you. Keep on moving.
ReplyDeleteYou and Kezia are such amazing people. You have been blessed to have such a beautiful, miracle child...if only for a short time. My prayers that God will continue to hold and comfort you both, easing some of the pain. My thoughts are with you both often.
ReplyDeleteMike, you are so right! Saoirse loved sharing! The last time I visited you, Kez, and Saoirse (with Travis right after Thanksgiving), she was sitting on the couch eating pretzels. She handed them out to Kezia, me, and Travis and also ate them herself. She made sure we all had pretzels! You and Kezia are keeping her spirit alive by giving the extra toys to other children. Saturday was a wonderful ceremony. All of the pictures and videos of Saoirse truly made it a celebration of her wonderful life!
ReplyDeleteLove, Meredith
We too have a boxer that is our daughters world. Daughters and boxers are what I feel makes the world go round. When you look into those doggy eyes you see the love that your daughter is leaving behind. Take a look she's there. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you both. Constantly. What about a photography/story project you and Kezia could do together to honor Saoirse and help raise awareness ? When you're ready. It might help by giving you something positive and beautiful to care about, keep her very close to you, and help give you some purpose right now, to help you find your way. Your family has inspired and touched so many. With your writing skill and Kezia's photography skill you could make something really special together. Hugs and love xo. Suzanne
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing during this tough time. I hope it helps and we love to read your posts and know that slowly things will move forward. Please don't stop writing. You are all in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteCynthia
Your family has made a real, important difference for mine. Thank you, Saiorse, Kezia, and Mike.
ReplyDeleteI know that tonight is very difficult, and that tomorrow morning will be as well. I'm so sorry for that. I wish you, and especially Saoirse, hadn't been chosen for this particular journey. I wish neuroblastoma awareness didn't fall on your shoulders, and cost her her life. But she is such a unique soul...one that could break through hearts all over the world and touch them in a personal way. ...Making them feel like they too had lost someone they loved. Only she could have done that. And only that will motivate people. For her, and you, I wish it weren't so, but she was just that special. It is because of her beautiful personality, together with her terrible journey, that something is happening that has never happened before. People are heartbroken, outraged, angry. Ready to do something and fight (and aready doing so), finally, because of your beautiful funny little girl and your amazing courage in sharing the journey. Right now, though, none of that matters I know. I wish this hadn't happened to you, that you didn't have to find a way to be 'courageous', that you didn't feel so absolutely empty and lost. Talk to her, she will hear you. And when it is just right, you will feel her.
ReplyDeleteThough I know tonight and tomorrow will be hard, I hope even just briefly that you can feel that it has now been one whole week that she has been living in her 'dream' and has had not one moment of pain or discomfort, and is unaware that she has left you. Because she hasn't, from her perspective. I believe that her soul has spent the past week in this 'dream' with yours, in absolutely no pain, giggling and playing with you, giving you kisses, being goofy, and just being so happy. Tuesday morning marks one week of indescribable pain for you, but it is one week that she has had no pain, for a whole week, and her spirit just got to be free with you. She will be your baby girl forever. Smile for her through your tears.
Much love.