Yesterday was difficult. Before Saoirse was borne I use to really enjoyed my sunday mornings of drinking coffee, reading the news and watching what ever I could find for TV. No hurries and no schedule. Then came baby :) I missed my sunday mornings for a while. The news was replaced with a fun cute daughter who demanded me to hurry, insisted on a schedule and kept us busy with music time, tummy time and lullabies on the music channel on cable TV. Life was changed. Yesterday I had a hard time just sitting here drinking coffee and reading emails. I kept having this overwhelming feeling that I should be doing something. mixing medicine's, doing research, holding saoirse, checking temp's, making sure she is warm and comfortable. Feeding her.
Kezia and I went through all of the donated toys yesterday, and a few we bought for her. We kept a lot of the books. books are important and we started reading books to Saoirse as a newborn. There were a few special toys and stuffed animals we kept. Saoirse loved sharing and we know she would have wanted her future brother and/or sister to have them. The rest are going to some children who need to feel good and get some cool things. Children who need a fun distraction from all that is surrounding
them. Even though it was emotionally draining, it felt good knowing how important those toys are to some children. Small steps.
Fallon came home yesterday. The world's most patient and tolerant Boxer. We are a bit worried about her right now. sometimes it can take a while for it to sink in for her that Saoirse is no longer here. We don't know if she can sense her ashes yet. It feels better that her ashes are here. I feel like she is back home in peace. I am forcing myself to write because i feel so lost inside. the house is to quiet. At night I wake up a lot listening for the crib monitor to see if she is ok. I feel lost, but also finding hope more and more each day. It is getting better. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. It will mark 1 week.