sinking in i think

I wrote the paragraph below yesterday, but didn't post it yet. It has been a very difficult past few days for me. I am having a lot of "what if's". and i miss her so much. i want to play with her. i still feel as if i let her down somehow, because i don't think she was ready to give up. i am convinced something was missed. the salt issue. i need to get away from that so  i keep thinking about the good times and I am pushing myself more and more to watch more videos of her. she makes me smile.  I want to put together a small movie about her. So i am learning iMovie and watching teaching videos and demos. I can not just stop helping get the word out about neuroblastoma. i am still saoirse's father and will keep my word to her to help beat this. the past few days i have taken a lot of down time, just reading the news, doing research on our reboot and just relaxing. i have been out in the garage breaking boxes down and cleaning. i have some winter projects to do and may hook up the wood stove out in the garage. kezia also may want to build the shelves for our dining room. its nice to have heat out there. :) I have to service my "tractor" and put new blades on it as well as get my rototiller running. things to do. I am finding that it is good to have small projects where completion is reachable and is the main goal. I don't like half started. lol. i just feel better when i complete something.

"I have been wanting to write. but when i sit down to start, i easily get sidetracked. Writing brings up a lot of feelings for me. but i also know that it is how i process things. so i write. Yesterday was hard. the whole weekend was hard. kezia broke down xmas eve as soon as we pulled into to her parents driveway. I just hugged her. i understand. it was hard. it was hard going and not having saiorse with us. the back seat is empty. that is very hard to see. my stomach just sinks and tightens up.. like when you are falling fast.
I feel like i am not doing enough. I feel like when i feel i want to move forward, there is a part of me that isn't moving."

Kezia is over at one of her mom group friends. it comforts her to be around them and their kids. saoirse's first friends. i love kezia so much. she is such an amazing person and she is such a great mom. she did her best to expose saoirse to healthy things, foods, environments and art. all she wants to do is be a mom. she is  a mom. that doesn't go away.

my mother is very sick and had to be rushed to the ER by helicopter last night because she had a heart attack. she is having tests done today. i will write more about that later. i am going to seek out a group so saoirse and i can go to it. i want the group to focus on dealing with the loss of a child from cancer. i think children's or jimmy fund may have some suggestions. groups help.