Wednesday, December 28, 2011

sinking in i think

I wrote the paragraph below yesterday, but didn't post it yet. It has been a very difficult past few days for me. I am having a lot of "what if's". and i miss her so much. i want to play with her. i still feel as if i let her down somehow, because i don't think she was ready to give up. i am convinced something was missed. the salt issue. i need to get away from that so  i keep thinking about the good times and I am pushing myself more and more to watch more videos of her. she makes me smile.  I want to put together a small movie about her. So i am learning iMovie and watching teaching videos and demos. I can not just stop helping get the word out about neuroblastoma. i am still saoirse's father and will keep my word to her to help beat this. the past few days i have taken a lot of down time, just reading the news, doing research on our reboot and just relaxing. i have been out in the garage breaking boxes down and cleaning. i have some winter projects to do and may hook up the wood stove out in the garage. kezia also may want to build the shelves for our dining room. its nice to have heat out there. :) I have to service my "tractor" and put new blades on it as well as get my rototiller running. things to do. I am finding that it is good to have small projects where completion is reachable and is the main goal. I don't like half started. lol. i just feel better when i complete something.

"I have been wanting to write. but when i sit down to start, i easily get sidetracked. Writing brings up a lot of feelings for me. but i also know that it is how i process things. so i write. Yesterday was hard. the whole weekend was hard. kezia broke down xmas eve as soon as we pulled into to her parents driveway. I just hugged her. i understand. it was hard. it was hard going and not having saiorse with us. the back seat is empty. that is very hard to see. my stomach just sinks and tightens up.. like when you are falling fast.
I feel like i am not doing enough. I feel like when i feel i want to move forward, there is a part of me that isn't moving."

Kezia is over at one of her mom group friends. it comforts her to be around them and their kids. saoirse's first friends. i love kezia so much. she is such an amazing person and she is such a great mom. she did her best to expose saoirse to healthy things, foods, environments and art. all she wants to do is be a mom. she is  a mom. that doesn't go away.

my mother is very sick and had to be rushed to the ER by helicopter last night because she had a heart attack. she is having tests done today. i will write more about that later. i am going to seek out a group so saoirse and i can go to it. i want the group to focus on dealing with the loss of a child from cancer. i think children's or jimmy fund may have some suggestions. groups help.


  1. It is hard to lose someone but it is harder to lose child and have to live through it. I can't imagine how you wake up in the morning and go through the day without seeing your baby. I feel for you. But We are here and we need you. We need you to be strong. You have a gift from god and god put you there for reason. I will continue to pray for you.. I will pray for you, Mike

  2. Dear Mike and Kezia,

    I have been following both of your blogs after coming across your story on CNN a few months ago, but have never posted. I am so grateful that you are willing to keep writing and fighting for your little girl, although as a parent my heart breaks for your loss. I also want to provide some encouragement for Mike's mother. My dad had a heart attack a few years ago so I know the stress that comes along with that - he is healthy now and I truly wish for the same for Mike's mother. Just wanted to let you know that so many people are sending your encouragement and are inspired by your words.

    Hugs from Long Island, New York

  3. Hi Mike,

    Check out the Bereavement Journal from Children's Hospital. There is a vast array of information on there and I am sure ways to get in touch with others who have lost.

  4. My heart hurts for you guys. You two are amazing parents and Saoirse was a very lucky little girl. You've reached so many people and brought so much awareness about this awful disease, and now you have so many more people willing to help bring even more awareness. I hope you find a group you are comfortable with to help in the healing process.

  5. Thanks for the update. You really inspire me still. Glad you are letting yourself cry when you need to and that you and Kezia have found some things that bring you comfort. Please keep being patient with yourself and leaning on each other.

    I wil be praying for your mom. I swear - you guys have had a year. I don't know that I could have handled it as well as you and Kezia. I hope 2012 is more kind to you and your family.

  6. Wishing you and kezia peace. I was walking through muir woods today with my husband (visiting family in ca) and I got angry for you. So much beuauty in this world yet staggering loss. You did everything you could and that was enough...what ifs will pass eventuallyt. That baby knows mom and dad loved her and you did evderything you could for her. I am hoping the aching hearts around the world mean that u and kezia are getting a momnet of peace.

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  8. Mike,
    In Rochester NY, where our son had his pineoblastoma treatment, there was a family support group called CURE. I'm not sure if you have anything like it where you are, but I know they help families during cancer and after a loss.
    You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. So sorry about your mom. I hope she will be okay.

    My husband and I have been going to the Compassionate Friends group, and have found it helpful. The Wednesday night group tends to have less people in it, which might be a nice way to start for you.

  10. I just read this article before I read this update on your blog and felt I should share it with you. Keep writing, it is therapeutic for you and all of us strangers like to know how you and Kezia are doing. Prayers for peace for you and Kezia. Hugs from one cancer parent to another, y'all are in my heart. I think Saoirse is proud of her parents for keeping up the awareness campaign for childhood cancer. <3

  11. Hi Mike. Maybe I'm in left field, but I really do think she was ready. If you look at the pictures (though hard to look at) on Kezia's twitter page, you can see it in her eyes with I think it was her last scan. Perhaps the picture was taken at just he wrong split second and I'm totally wrong, but it looks like she was ready for it to be over. I think she knew that you and Kezia weren't ready for it to be over so fought so hard for you. Then you did the hardest gave her what she needed, against everything you needed. You set her free to be happy and healthy with your spirits. You are amazing parents. You've shown everyone that. I hope you let yourselves see it soon.