I slept in today. I feel exhausted lately and felt I needed to just sleep. Kezia got up early. When I woke up for just a split second as I lay there, I listened for Saoirse playing downstairs. Then it "hit me".
So as I lay there this morning I just thought of the days when I would sleep in (this didn't happen often :)) and then wake up and hear her laughing, talking, playing and tormenting Fallon. :) I would just lay there and smile, listening to her. Listening to Kezia talking to Saoirse and Saoirse taking to Kezia in her own way, or laughing. Listening to the thumps of her little feet running around the house. She loved running around the house. Then I would hear the gate at the bottom of the stairs rattle. That was my cue to get up. That was Saoirse looking for daddy. Of course I worried that the gate was open and she would come up the stairs alone.. (she loved climbing the stairs when she could). I was excited to get up. I couldn't wait to see her and go downstairs. I would open my bedroom door and look downstairs and she would see me and start laughing and talking to me in her own way. Then she would start rattling the gate. My cue to come downstairs. I couldn't wait to get downstairs. I loved playing with her. She was so much fun. The closer I got to her down the stairs, the more excited she became. I can't tell you how good that feeling is to have your child so excited to see you.
Deep breath.. Good feelings and thoughts.
I haven't been in her room since we returned. This morning was the morning. I felt drawn to her room after the good memories I had when I woke up. I went in and just started crying. Her shoes laid out on the floor next to her changing table. All of her stuffed animals in her crib. Packed bins of her clothes next to her closet. I sat in the rocking chair and just thought of all the moments I would rock her to sleep. Sometimes all night because she couldn't sleep. I started to hum the song I would hum to her every night. I still do actually. I know she feels it. She hears it. She senses it. I thought of when she was really small and just started to sleep in the crib. Then when she learned to stand up in the crib and I had to lower the mattress. As I sat there this morning I imagined me rocking her. I felt her sink into my chest. I felt the warmth of her breath. I felt the tiny patter of her heart against my chest. I smelt the smell of her baby breath and just her baby smell all together. I felt her fall asleep. I miss that. I miss her.
Deep breath. Deep breath Deep breath.
I miss my daughter.