I barely remember my 1st haircut. Only by looking at a picture of my Papaw cutting my hair in his barber shop when I was around 2 triggers the hot day in the depths of Mississippi we were there and of me drinking a warm coke out of the cooler. I may have cried.. just not sure about that. I have always dreamt of the day I would take my child for her/his 1st hair cut.
In a way that dream came true. But it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.
Saoirse loved her hair. She loved our hair. She loved pulling our hair.. haha. She had thin, soft and long reddish / blond hair that was silky to the touch. When she started chemotherapy her hair started to fall out in clumps. At night it would fall out and tickle her to the point it was waking her up.. It was falling out during the day and getting into her eyes and bothering her. So we made a call to our friend Melanie who is a wonderful stylist at Shag Salon in Boston. She is awesome.
This is how I wished the conversation went:
"Hi Melanie, Saoirse is ready for her 1st hair cut, its getting kinda long and just a trim would be great and we would love for you to be the one who does this. Do you have an appointment this week so we can bring her down to your Salon? we will bring cookies :)".
Instead this is how the conversation went:
"Hi Melanie, we need to have Saoirse's head shaved because the Chemo is causing it to fall out, we would love for you to be the one who does this. We don't have time to bake cookies right now, sorry. Would you be available to come down to the hospital this week?"
Deep breath.
Saoirse actually didn't mind having her hair shaved. She seemed to like the way her head felt afterwards. Like thistles. Soft thistles. I shaved my head a week later and the first thing she did was feel my scalp to see if it felt like hers.. she smiled when it did. She eventually lost all of her hair until she had a smooth scalp. She loved seeing other people with no hair. I think it was a connection she could make. A feeling between little kids who are going through chemo that no one else could possibly understand. That is my belief. I saw their eyes and expressions when they all looked at each other.
Below is the short video of her 1st haircut.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
I wish I have something to say about it. I love my baby's hairs and I cannot imagine seeing him getting shaved.. I am so sorry but She is adorable angel in my heart. She always has been in my heart.. I wish I could have done more. .. She is with you. as always whether with her hairs or not.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your's and Kezia's blog since some time and all I can say is Saoirse is an absolute sweetheart!! You both are really lucky you had a daughter like her..She will always be remembered with a smile.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the pictures of her that Kezia posted on her blog, and Saoirse had her hair and it looked pretty. Saoirse still looked pretty without it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that was supposed to make me cry but it did--I am sorry she had to go through all of that ---with or without hair though she is beautiful--my 18mo. old just started growing in her hair---babies shouldn't have to get their heads shaved because they have chemo. --CANCER SUCKS.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry when you were talking about that her haircut isn't what you thought it would be -- I can completely relate to that because I remember how exciting those milestones were for me when my daughter went through them. But I liked your story about her reaction to your shaved head - sometimes things aren't what we expect or what we want, but we learn to live and love within our own reality. And you three really did that and are doing that.
ReplyDeleteAnd that girl would be beautiful with hair, with no hair, with a mohawk - with that face, that smile, that spirit. :)
And I wanted to say that your title post is right - She IS loved. She was loved in the past, but she IS loved today and tomorrow and every day by you, by Kezia, by your family and friends, and by so many of us out here in the cyber world who now consider you all friends - friends we've never met, but friends just the same.
I love this. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned, that her life didn't go as all of us would have wished. I think about you & Kezia all the time, and hope you are finding good moments in your days.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the videos recently. It's fun to see Saoirse in video, rather than just reading about what she was like. I think it makes this all the more real to me, your posts... It makes my heart break more, the tears come more... My heart aches for Kezia and you and I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing... <3