Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hit Me

Sitting at breakfast today I just kept seeing Saoirse sitting with us and enjoying her breakfast. She loved eating breakfast. Haha.. Saoirse loved eating period. But I tend to think that breakfast was her favorite. :)

One day I saw something that really touched my heart. She was in the hospital and was getting full skull radiation treatment for relapsed Neuroblastoma. She did not feel well at all. She had received a few christmas gifts from some friends in NYC. It was a barn filled with little horses. Well, one morning I was trying to get her to eat some breakfast.. little bites at a time. I lined the horses up in a row facing her. I went to mix her oatmeal and peanut butter and I turned around and she had taken her spoon and she was feeding each horse. It was sooooo cute. I just cried. I smiled and told her I loved her and said to her "feeding your horses breakfast?" and she responded by shaking her head up and down, raising her eyebrows up (Smiling eyes) and mumbled "Umhum"  and then made the sign  for "more". I miss her.

Sometimes during the day I have "hit me" moments. I was sitting eating my breakfast and I had a "hit me" moment. It suddenly "hit me" that she was not there eating with us. It "hit me" that she will never be again.

deep breath.

I miss my daughter.


  1. That is such a sweet story about her feeding the toy horses. I can't even imagine the pain you must feel or how much you must miss her. I think of your family often and I hope that during those "hit me" times that these lovely memories of Saoirse help soften your pain.

  2. I still cry about what happened to your daughter, and I never even met her. I truly can't imagine what hell it must be for you. She, and you both, are in my heart and my thoughts every day. I imagine this is true for many others as well. This will never leave me.

  3. I love this story. I am following your story and wish you peace. Saoirse is such an inspiration. And, so you are and Kezia.

  4. I really love the story. She does love horses too, along with others. Those memories are to be cherished.

  5. I think of you and your family often. I can picture Saoirse trying to feed the horses and it makes me smile...and cry. Its so cute. You are a very attentive father...that is where Saoirse gets her attentiveness.

  6. Beautiful story, Mike. What a sweet girl - what a good example you and Kezia gave her about caring for those that you love. Of course she would be feeding her horses. I truly think that she was a beautiful soul to begin with but then nurtured by two wonderful, loving parents who noticed her spirit and encouraged it. Love the stories - make me smile and cry. :)

    I also wanted to say that I am so encouraged right now by what I see happening on your page and other places on facebook - so many people sharing petitions, websites, research that needs funded, families that need money and encouragement, etc. And I have been so encouraged lately in seeing my sister sharing RJ's page on her own facebook page and seeing a high school friend's status update saying she's organizing a bake sale in March to benefit your fund. None of us were doing anything about childhood cancer before you shared your story. None of us were really aware that we needed to help and get involved. It's so hard that Saoirse is gone and so hard to see what's happening to other children and seeing other parents who have lost their children - but I feel good about that I'm doing what little I can to help and that others are following suit. Anyway, I just wanted to share that - about how encouraged I am that we can make a difference. We may not know that people are changing - becoming more aware, getting to the place of also raising their voice for childhood cancer, for neuroblastoma. But slowly people get more comfortable stepping into that world and help more and more. I truly believe that.

    With lots of love to you and Kezia,
    Courtney Rasey

  7. I have been reading your blog for the past few months and I my heart breaks for you and your family. I happened upon this site. I found it very moving.You have to read the story about the artist and how she came to painting sunrises. She has one for every day of month etc...I ordered one for the day my mother drew her last breath. The last sunrise that she was with me. I have it hung in my room and I look at it every morning. I found great comfort in it, and thought maybe it was something you would be interested in.