Sunday, February 12, 2012

"that day"

Kezia said it very well last night. It's like Saoirse is following her around. I feel the same way. 

I feel like I am stuck on "that day". Actually I am pretty much stuck on that day. It's pretty much all I think about. I try to be happy and I try to have fun but it's difficult. I watched my daughter die. I heard her moan right before. I listened to her heart fight. I listened to the doctors perform CPR. I watched her little head bounce up and down as they performed CPR on her. I made the call to stop. I made the call. I made the call. I am stuck.

I made the call.
I miss my daughter

Deep breath


  1. Oh Mike, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. Please know, that it was not your fault. She had such a horrible disease that, so sadly, she probably wasn't going to win. You and Kezia did EVERYTHING you could do to save her. You knew in your heart of hearts she was gone. You had to make that call. It will take so much time for you to get past that. Just know, you have so many people that care and love your family. I have never met you, but I have pictures of Saoirse printed out and hanging at my desk because she was such an inspiration. I'll say it again, you and Kezia did EVERYTHING you could do to save her. The pain of not having her there physically will take so long to go away, and it won't really go away, just get better to deal with. We miss her too Mike! I take deep breathes when you take them in your writings!

  2. I agree with the poster above. I am very sorry that you and Kezia had to witnessed what went on that day. I can understand that. It is desperate for parents to see their child suffer and die before them. I also am glad that Kezia did feel Saoirse's presence around her.

  3. You are the best dad and you made the absolute best call. Someday you won't be stuck on that moment. It will only pop into your head occasionally, and you will be stuck on all the good moments.

  4. My heart breaks for you 2 over and again. I don't post much but read faithfully. You made the call that ended her inevitable, continued suffering. You are a strong man/husband/father. I pray that time relieves you of the pain and guilt attached to that day. You and Kezia are exceptional parents - never forget that!

  5. you made the right call--you had no choice--I am so sorry you have to relive all of that---so very sorry

  6. I am so sorry Mike, I know today and tomorrow will be even more difficult. You did what you had to do. She will forever be there in your hearts. No one can change that.

  7. that is a choice no parent should have to make - we too had to decide to shut off machine and stop. BREATH - one day at a time. You did everything you could for your little girl - you loved her and she knows that. BREATH - forgive yourself - you loved and still love her - you did the best you could. One day at a time - one moment

  8. you went through a horrible and painful experience that no parent should ever have to go through. It's impossible not to think about this. But, there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to save her and keeping her on life support for a bit longer would not have been good. Try thinking about her pain and suffering ending as well, even though sadly it ended with her life.
    I was once in ICU, recovering from open heart surgery, and I woke up when I was still on the ventilator and still could not breath. It was a horrible feeling, all I wanted was to stop it, not thinking about death (I was 24 then), just for the feeling to go away. Obviously I did not die then, but if I would ever have an incurable disease, I would not want to be kept on life support. at some point of physical suffering death is a relief.

  9. Mike & Kezia,

    We are praying that God will be with you, and that He will show His care for you now more than ever. You remain on our hearts and minds, and in our prayers. We hope to stop by, if you will allow us to.

    Shawn & Bonita Timmons

  10. it just pains my heart to read this, and imagine the pain and confusion you both must have been feeling/ are feeling. i pray you find some comfort.

  11. Mike and Kezia,
    What 2 WONDERFUL parents this little chick has. Yes, has. You will always be her parents, and I hope, pray, trust you will see that sweet little, healthy glowing face shining back at you on the other side of this very broken world. I don't know either one of you, but have followed your blog and facebook ever since reading about this sweet little chick's story appeared on My heart simply breaks sometimes when I read your posts, and so my hope is that it lessens the grief you bear for her. Keep writing and feeling, and we will all keep you in our hearts and prayers.
    Nicole Wallick

  12. Oh Mike, I'm so sorry... Over time, I hope you will come to understand that making the call to end CPR does not make Saoirse's passing your fault. It's rather the exact opposite. Saoirse had gone through a lot in her short life, and you made a huge sacrifice to allow her pain to end and for her to rest in peace. You and Kezia were the most amazing parents to Saoirse and she was sure lucky to have you!
    You both saw Saoirse at her best and her worst, and at this final moment, you saw that she didn't have it in her anymore. You were probably the only one who could absolutely tell that it was over, because you knew her so well. Mike, it took an immense amount of love to let Saoirse go, and I'm so sorry that you had to be the one to make the decision.

    I'm so glad that you are blogging, getting your feelings out, and possibly helping other people who are going through similar circumstances. I'm so grateful that organizations that support children's cancers have people like you behind them, fighting for our children!!!

    I will continue to keep you and Kezia in my thoughts and in my heart as you continue to try and navigate this very undesirable path that life has you on.

    Warm hugs...

  13. Mike --- I'm so sorry... I really am. It pains me to read this --- as I know it does you to rethink it. Reading your sorrow brings me to tears. I'm very glad you're getting it written down and very glad you're discussing/sharing it with the world. You're helping so many other parents in doing so.

    You are both wonderful parents... and if/when you choose, I'm sure you will be to more children someday.

    Your love is true; raw & pure. Thank you for showing it.

    -- Paul F

  14. As a nurse, I assure you that you made a brave call. It is my hope that some images will fade in time while others, such as Saoirse's engaging smile, will be foremost. You are a wonderful parent - as is your dear wife - and you did what was best for your child. She was able to transition. Her daddy helped her. Yes, you made the call. You made the bravest and most selfless and difficult decision to help your child. Of course, it does not fill the emptiness or erase images in your head. May you feel her sweet gentleness surround you even at this moment and may you and Kezia know so many people send thoughts and/or prayers to you.