2-2-12
Today has been challenging. Kezia and I have decided to take care of ourselves and just do things to “get away”. I cant help but feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be having a good time. Or having fun. I should be crying 24/7. I know that is unrealistic though. I have a wide range of feelings. I miss her so bad. There was an 8 month old baby at the restaurant tonight. Her mom was feeding her and while she was feeding her she was saying “dada”, “where is dada”. I just broke down. I could not stop the tears or feelings. I will never forget the first time I heard Saoirse say “dada”. It grabbed my heard and has not let go. The sound of her voice. The tonality. The definitive “dada”. You are my dad she was saying. I see you, I recognize you and I call you dada. I have waited all my life to hear my child say “dada”. I finally got to hear it. Now I only hear it in my memory.
I remember one time when Saoirse was in the hospital. Kezia was in the room with her and I had stepped out to go to the kitchen to get some milk for Saoirse. All I heard was “dada”, dada. Dada. Saoirse was screaming “dada”. I thought something was wrong. Or she just missed me. I was called back into the room – I hadn’t made it to the kitchen yet. I had forgotten my cell phone and when I walked back into the room Saoirse was holding up my cell phone and calling “dada”. She was concerned I forgot my phone. Can you believe that? I walked over and took my phone and kissed her and said and signed “thank you”. I told her I loved her and then went back and got the milk.
She was so smart and attentive.
I just cant believe she is gone.
Deep breath.
I have thousands of stories about her and how aware she was. I will tell them all. I have to.
Tonight as we sit by the fire I forced myself to look at pictures of her and watch some videos of her. I needed to. For my own sanity. Since she passed, I have barely been able to get the bad images of her dying our of my mind. Out of my vision. Its powerful and will probably never go away. I needed to see some great videos of her playing and laughing. It really helped. She makes me smile and always will.
My mother has not been well. She has been wearing a vest that acts as an external deliberator. Her heart is pretty weak. This past Tuesday she had surgery to install a deliberator. I worry about her. She has beat cancer a few times already and even beat congestive heart failure 5 years ago. The doctor told her she has a broken heart from Saoirse passing. This is a very real thing. Of course her diet did not help her. But the death of a grandchild has to weigh heavy on a heart. It did on mine. We will be going to Chicago soon.
awe....... I want to tell you that it will all get better and time will heal your wound but I am not going to. if you have to look at her picture, watch her video and cry for her. Because you need it! You need it to overcome your sorrow. Cry. and let it out.
ReplyDeleteYou have me in tears. Glad you are relaxing and doing some fun stuff with Kezia - you guys need that. There's no need to feel guilty. Thanks for the story about Saoirse - I look forward to hearing more.
ReplyDeleteAnd you will always be Saoirse's "dada" even if you can't hear her say the words anymore except your memories and video.
Lots of love and wishes for a relaxing weekend,
Courtney Rasey
P.S. Thanks for the update on your mom - I will continue thinking of her, you, Kezia and the rest of your family.
God Mike, my eyes well with tears when I read your posts about Saiorse. I am so sorry. I really feel for you guys. I am just so sorry for all the pain you guys have all gone through. It must be very hard for you guys to try and go about your days. It is good for you though. Don't feel guilty. I know that must be hard but you have to know Sairose would want you out and TRYING to having fun. I pray only good memories flood your minds soon. I pary for you guys all the time. I pary for all the families suffering as you are.
ReplyDeleteI have said this on FB book earlier in the week and I will just say it again. You guys should not feel obligated to update us on anything--you don't have to do any of that. Nobody expects that. It has been only 7 weeks. It will take you a long time. Just take care and focus on yourselves now. I must admit though I am anxious to hear about your new business :)
I am praying for your mom too. Sorry I wanted to say that above but forgot.
ReplyDeletebless you both.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. Don't feel and think it might sound horrible to enjoy good time. You and Kezia really need it and it helps to let your mind out. It is good for your health and mentality. Don't feel bad feeling about this. It is always difficult to get the image out of your mind of that day and how she went through. It takes time. Yes, she was a smart young girl! She loved you two so much. Looking at pictures/videos helps a lot too. Remember the wonderful memories. I am sorry about your mother. Yes, it is true that people suffer heart-broken over the loss of a loved one. Hope she will be alright soon. Sending prayers to her and you all.
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