I have been feeling better emotionally. I think it has a lot to do with the videos I have been making. I have been looking through a lot of videos and they make me smile, cry and laugh... My series of "she loved" has been making a difference in my life and helping me remember all the good things.. this is reminding me just how much I learned from Saoirse. Although I am feeling better, I have my moments. The videos are also stirring up some anger. I am angry she was taken from us. I am angry there isn't much being done in the Neuroblastoma world because of lack of funding and support. I am just angry.
I miss my daughter
Deep breath...
Saoirse always seemed to find ways to help her feel better and to just enjoy life. We learned early on that Saoirse loved to dance to music. She had a very distinctive dance. I remember watching her eyes when she danced.. they were full of joy, freedom, amazement and I could just tell that she felt good. She was free of what ever ailed her at the time. In the following clip, she had just endured almost a week of Chemotherapy, yet she didn't let it get her down. Saoirse would seek out to find her musical walker.. she loved that thing.. she played with it all of the time.. The video serves a couple of purposes.. We want to share her spirit with others. We want to spread awareness of Neuroblastoma and much needed assistance to protocols and studies. If this video isn't working on your phones or iPads try watching it on youtube at this link: http://youtu.be/6LcNiBYz4SI
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
You have every right to be angry. Angry at fate, angry at GOD, angry at people like me. BUT, I (and many like me) are now doing something. And change will come. No consolation for you and Kezia, I know. But at least some of us are now trying. Hard. To raise awareness, change attitudes, raise money. Change will come. I'm just so sorry that I didn't wake up to this so very long ago. I carry that guilt with me as I now work harder than I ever have, with my new mission in life, to change things. For Saoirse.
ReplyDeleteLove and apologies to you Mike, and Kezia. Always,
Audra
Audra,
DeleteI pray someday that guilt for what you didn't do in the past turns into pride for what you are doing NOW. Keep the motivation - lose the guilt. :)
You are a good role model to all the kids out there seeing you do this work and an inspiration.
Love to you!
Courtney
Mike,
ReplyDeleteI love these posts and I am so happy that they are helping you, too. Because they are helping me - man, I miss seeing that baby of yours (excuse me, Saoirse - toddler :)) and it makes me smile to see her again on the videos. She did love, Mike. To the fullest no matter what - it's so easy to see that even those of us who are just part of her "facebook family" can see it. She is and always will be an inspiration - teaching her daddy but also teaching so many who never even got the honor of meeting her in person.
It's understandable that you're angry too - so much sadness that she's gone, what a big loss that is. But my impression is that you already understand that having a big range of emotions right now (and my guess is for a long while) is healthy.
Thank you, thank you for sharing Saoirse with us - for sharing your experiences with her. She's beautiful; she's inspiring. Thank you for your willingness to be open about what happened to you and your family - about childhood cancer and its affect on kids, on parents, on families. You're brave (and you're wife's pretty brave too - wonder where your daughter got it? :))
You guys are making a difference - when you can feel that you are and when you can't. You're planting seeds. You're putting a face (yours, your family's) to childhood cancer - there are real people affected by this. You guys are wonderful (whatever you choose to do - not just because you're spreading the word about childhood cancer in Saoirse's honor :) but I do applaud you for that).
Anyway, hope the vegan diet is making you feel healthier, etc. too as Kezia mentioned on her blog that it is for her. And congratulations on Kezia's scans coming back clear. (YAY!:))
Lots of love to you and Kezia and love for Saoirse!
Courtney
Zoë loved watching "bebe dancin!". Those were some great moves she was throwing down. What an awesome spirit. To have been through what she had and still just living, loving and dancin'!
ReplyDeleteCute :) Yes, looks like she really loved dancing and music.
ReplyDelete