Deep breath

This has been an interesting day. We are home after a long reboot. Well.. I am not sure I am going to refer to it as a "reboot". I will write about this later. We came home. At first I did not want to go. I really didn't. As a matter of fact I wanted to go home strait away and periodically through out. I just felt like I didn't deserve to go anywhere. I didn't deserve to have any fun. While I tried my best to enjoy the things we did, it was very difficult. I did manage though. Only after Kezia expressed her feelings to me that she was concerned I wasn't having a good time. She pointed out that she was effected by knowing I wasn't having a good time. The reality was that I had shut down. The feelings of loosing my daughter were / are so unbearable, so unexplainable that it became overwhelming. I was neglecting my own self and neglecting to see how Kezia was. After that talk i made a point to have a good time.. it was off and on, but I did start to smell the fresh air, pay attention to my partner and to know that Saoirse would have really had a great time. I also really started to realize just how much we really needed that trip. More on that later.

Kezia has a scan tomorrow. She has already had 3 clear scans and excellent blood work. I will feel better tomorrow after the scan is done, and I will definitely feel better when we meet with her oncologist and she tells us that Kezia has another clear scan. This isn't over for our family. Kezia is in remission. We have to wait 5 years to be considered cured. I can't wait for this all to be over. My stress and worry didn't end when Saoirse passed away.

We are simplifying our lives and going completely organic. We are finding ways to make it affordable and workable. This means buying less food.. especially junk food. This also means growing more of our own food such as veggies and fruits. I am currently looking for a materials list for a hot house so I can start planting strait away as well as grow lettuces, carrots, tomatoes and herbs through out the year.

The other thing we did was through away all cleaning products and soaps. There are organic alternatives out there as well. No more pesticides either..

This is enough for now. I am going to post this and then write another blog post.. This was yesterdays but I was so tired by 8pm that I just went to bed..