The last few days I have allowed myself to try to have some fun and enjoy what we are doing. Its been difficult. Very difficult. Everything I do reminds me of Saoirse and I vision her with us. Saoirse loved horses. I think when she saw a horse she felt at some peace and the pain would go away even if just for a few minutes. Or seconds.
I remember about 2 weeks before she was diagnosed. We took her to the Big Apple Circus in Boston. She clearly did not feel well. She slept most of the time. She had some juice and that helped her. I didn't want to take her. But I also wanted her to experience the circus. I just kept her on my chest and covered her ears during the loud times. But when the horses came on. They were white, and had long beautiful mains. They were smaller. The music playing was beautiful. She woke up and watched intently. She moved her arms and hands around as if she was conducting them. It was a great moment that night for her. It was a great moment that night for me because she enjoyed herself. I felt that she felt at peace and happy for just about 5 minutes. We have it on video and I will try to find it and post it.
I miss her. The "miss" is deep. painful. Overwhelming.
We happened upon a white horse the other day with a beautiful long white main. We got some good snaps of her and we are going to print and frame her and hang it in Saoirse's room. I think her spirit will love that.
I miss my daughter.