Twas night before christmas

Writing is difficult, Kezia wrote a poem that says it all. I wish Saoirse was home with us. Please check out Kezia's blog.


http://www.newmomnewcancer.blogspot.com/2012/12/twas-night-before-christmas.html

Colorful Lights and an anniversary

How do I prepare myself for the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death?

First of all, I have to allow myself to look forward to christmas. Meaning - decorations.
Most of the past year I have maintained I will not decorate, turn on the colorful lights on the house or put up a tree. I thought it would just be to difficult. But after much consideration, talking with Kezia about it and reading others' posts from the past I think it would be a great idea to put up a tree. Saoirse would have loved it. Plus I strongly feel her presence in the house, so I think her spirit will be sad if we don't decorate. She loved the colorful lights. I also feel that by not decorating I will be avoiding feelings that I need to embrace.

I miss her so much. Thanksgiving was tough, it was the last major "first" holiday without her. She died right before christmas last year so christmas was the first major holiday without her. But last year, right about this time of year Saoirse started getting really sick. Life was a blur for me. My entire focus was Saoirse and getting her well and dealing with strong conflicting feelings that I knew in the depths of my soul that she was dying. I don't really remember christmas last year.

Kezia and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do for the anniversary. We just don't know. Maybe let off a couple of lanterns? Go to dinner somewhere? Go somewhere special and spread some of her ashes?

See, our feelings don't go away until the 13th every month. The 13th is everyday for us.

I talk to her every day, as if I am telling her a story about our life. It is a weird thing. Its like we are sitting on the porch or yard and I am telling her about our life. Hard to explain right now.

Deep breath

I just miss her so much and wish I could hold her one more time.

Deep breath

staying upbeat

We seem to be doing a good job keeping the spirit high and thinking great things and memories. I have a lot to write about. a lot. but now is not the time. I just needed a bit of a release so i decided to just put something down.

Hugging the heart

I have had a hard time today. I just had to cry. I was cleaning the kitchen and kept thinking of how Saoirse use to come up and want to play with the dishwasher. I miss that. I would talk with her while i did dishes and she played with her magnets on the fridge. She would just talk talk talk. She loved talking. I just listened and talked with her. Each time she spoke her words grabbed my heart a little tighter. That will never go away.

Deep breath.

I am sad today. I just keep letting myself feel and cry. I am also thinking of good things. Her smile, love of life and her happy moments. I am especially thinking of the night we decorated the tree. That will always be with me. I am comforted knowing that needy children will get some cool and fun toys for xmas.

I am going to chill out a while.

Christmas spirit and Laundry

I am sitting here looking at our christmas tree. I can't help but smile because I keep remembering the night we decorated it. Saoirse felt pretty good and had fun bringing ornaments to the tree. We each took a turn helping her hang an ornament. Lol she ran around giggling, talking and carrying ornaments around.

I just watched a video of that night. It helped me feel better and put a smile on my face. I am so glad that was a good night for her. She got to experience the true christmas spirit.. love, family, friends & comfort and peace. She felt that spirit. It helped because I am having a hard time shaking the images of her last moments. It is horrifying. Watching the video helped. I may post the video.

Deep breath.

I began to feel overwhelmed and needed to do something. So i started my laundry, i was due. It is good and important to have some kind of plan today. I really just want to sit and do nothing but watch tv. But I do much better when I do a project. Laundry is my project today :)