Monday, June 6, 2016

An Important PB & J and a Smile Post #3

"Daddy.................. Daddy.", said the determined little voice.
"DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. ...............DAAAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY. AN YOU LEAAAAASE UM UP EARRRR", screamed the more determined little voice in perfect toddler language.

I just put him down for bed. Its 7:45pm and Lochlan has been up since 7am. He missed his nap. I kinda did that on purpose (its not wrong).  I really needed hi to go to bed and go to sleep. Lochlan sometimes gets out of bed 2 or 3 times before he settles. Usually he needs a "sip" of water; or he has to "all of the sudden" poop. Or he wants  to talk. Or he wants me to rock him in the rocker just "one more time". Or he wants me to sing to him. Usually muffin man on drurey lane.

Ug. I am so tired and hungry and I have some great momentum going on putting stuff away and cleanup up our clutter. I feel pretty good about what I have done today and better yet, its going to make Kezia feel good. Something about a non-cluttered house. More importantly, a non-cluttered entranceway.  I still have about 2 hours worth of work to do and I still have not eaten dinner. Its going to be ok; Ill get it done and he will go to sleep. Ill be ok.

Deep breath.

"DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. ...............DAAAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY. AN YOU LEAAAAASE UM UP EARRRR PLEASE. please um up earrrr leasssseeee", he yelled and sadly whispered all in the same sentence.

I need to let him cry it out a bit. I can be strong. I kept working - I did "8" loads of laundry yesterday. I shifed some wet clothes to the dryer and then focused on the broom. I needed to sweep.


Crying baby. Broom. Need a clean floor. My mind shifted to a night in the hospital with Saoirse. Many nights actually. Crying. I need to sweep. She threw cherrios and french fries on the floor and I need to clean it up. She won't stop crying because her scar hurts her. Its healing. But it still hurts her. I can't help her. I can't take the pain away...........


Sorry. I digress.

The crying baby is not Saoirse. Its Lochlan. I quickly snapped back and shook my head and took a deep breath. By the way.. its difficult to describe this but the type of digression is the kind that forces me to stop everything and just stand there. I feel the breath leave me. Yes, it knocks the wind out of me.

Its part of my club

Anyway, back to the story. Lochlan kept yelling for me to come up. I gave him 5 minutes and then answered him.

"Why are you out of bed Lochlan?", I firmly asked him.
"I need a sip leaaassssseeeeee!". He firmly stated to me.

OOPS I forgot to give him a sip. Oh well..

"ok sorry bud. I forgot too!", I said as I walked up the stairs. There are some dust bunnies on the stairs, I need to vacuum. Tomorrow Ill start pulling stuff out of the bedroom; when will I have time to prime the room before everyone gets here on Sunday to paint it.  I wonder how Kezia is doing. Is she eating? I hope she is sleeping and getting rest.....shit that office needs a lot of work.. I need to get that done.... oops.

"ok thats ok", my toddler said in an understanding voice.

He had is sip and went to bed.

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Doing that much laundry is good.. However it creates this: and there is more in the dryer now and an overflowing basket waiting to be dryer. I have my work cut out for me :) Life. 

This morning I am stressing on a few different things. 

One: Lochlan. 
Two: Kezia
Three: CareAline: Our business
Four: Mortgage: we are on the verge of foreclosure

With being a single parent right now: let me clarify, I am not single. Currently I am single parenting due to Kezia's treatment, time management is key. Wish I was better at it. 

I stress that Lochlan isn't getting enough exercise and learning time. So Monday's are one of the only days I do not have any help at all. So I have gotten into the habit of plopping him in front of the TV with his favorite learning shows - Bob the Builder; Thomas; The Hive; Learning Math. Or Before the Land of Time. It depends on his "mood". This is no longer acceptable. So starting next Monday we will do something completely different and no more morning TV. 

You will see.. and read about it. 

Then its Cherio time while I cook him an egg and toast, or Oatmeal with peanut butter. Sometimes pancakes.

He eats and watches, I make sure he has plenty of water and I get caught up on Emails for our business CareAline - 

Then I think about Kezia. I worry about her. Yes because she is sick. But more now because she is not getting the kind of support, both emotionally and mentally, that she needs. She desperately needs this. 

Kezia decided to do non-conventional treatment for her relapsed Hodgkins Lymphoma. (see her blog:

This seems to have changed the course of her support after making this decision. This is complicated. Very complicated. Saoirse is mixed up in this somehow. So is Lochlan. 

She is still a human being. 

Type of support. I am angry at a lot of people for basically shitting all over Kezia. Here we go. I am off and running now........

Ok... Soairse. Her birthday was on June 1st, 2016. She would have been 6. 

While there were a couple of text messages and posts on Facebook to Kezia and myself - no one called us. Apparently it states on the internet somewhere that your not suppose to contact the family who lost a child on the said lost child's birthdays because it will remind them of their child. 



This was an excuse from someone once on why they don't call Kezia. 

You are not that special. You do not have the power to "make us remember", or "trigger" memories of our daughter. 

It is part of our exclusive club's daily dues. Oh, these particular dues are "Due" as soon as I wake up. No exceptions. Although the dues get easier to accept and cope with as time goes by. 

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.......... I had to stop writing and walk away. Its been a few hours since I wrote the above. 
I was starting to get really pissed over some things I have no control over. First I discussed kezia getting Shat on by some (a lot of) people for her Tx choice; then I touched the surface of people not calling on Saoirse's bd. I felt an immediate intervention was necessary. (Please note: If you did send a note on Facebook or by Text then I am not talking about you)

Yes, I will let it all loose at some point. Because I need to tell you about it all. Its important. But not today. 

I need to be there for Lochlan and me sitting on the computer potentially writing something I may regret, only to fuel my frustration and anger, was silly and not fair to him. Nor do I need that added stress. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he immediately said, "YES PLEASEEEEEEEEEE". He is so cute. 

Call. It helps. Not every day. Once and A while goes a long way. Don't be emotionally restrained. We are not. I assure you. 

I accept very few excuses. As a matter of fact, I don't want to hear excuses. At all. Or justifications. All of that does not matter. I am not discounting your feelings; or the fact that you may not know how to handle the emotional part of it.. I get that. I don't have time to hear it. Neither does Kezia. 

She needs to hear "I love you". "I am here for you". Or a simple "Hi". 

My business needs to be tended to.  I'm glancing over at Lochlan's PB & J and I am guessing I have about 10 more minutes of keyboard time before its time to wash hands and go back outside to play Frisbee. Oh, he heard me. To late, he is rushing to eat so we can go out :) 

Until Tomorrow. 



  1. ah yes - the toddler bed time routine! perhaps he and Julia were sharing stories and ideas at Camp!!! It is so hard - of course I want to stay there all night and snuggle with her - because who knows, maybe tomorrow she will have cancer and die like Alexander? but the rational part of me knows, that I have things to take care of and if she doesn't get a good nights sleep then she will be cranky pants!

    friends suck sometimes. Richard said how he sent you and email, but prob. won't call his brother on his birthday. I replied, "But Mike and Kezia are Family" Yes, the family we didn't want to get to know, but we are very glad we are now "related"

    Hugs and Love


  2. I'm very glad you're writing again. It's helpful to others (including yourself) more than you know.