Monday, November 26, 2012

Colorful Lights and an anniversary

How do I prepare myself for the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death?

First of all, I have to allow myself to look forward to christmas. Meaning - decorations.
Most of the past year I have maintained I will not decorate, turn on the colorful lights on the house or put up a tree. I thought it would just be to difficult. But after much consideration, talking with Kezia about it and reading others' posts from the past I think it would be a great idea to put up a tree. Saoirse would have loved it. Plus I strongly feel her presence in the house, so I think her spirit will be sad if we don't decorate. She loved the colorful lights. I also feel that by not decorating I will be avoiding feelings that I need to embrace.

I miss her so much. Thanksgiving was tough, it was the last major "first" holiday without her. She died right before christmas last year so christmas was the first major holiday without her. But last year, right about this time of year Saoirse started getting really sick. Life was a blur for me. My entire focus was Saoirse and getting her well and dealing with strong conflicting feelings that I knew in the depths of my soul that she was dying. I don't really remember christmas last year.

Kezia and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do for the anniversary. We just don't know. Maybe let off a couple of lanterns? Go to dinner somewhere? Go somewhere special and spread some of her ashes?

See, our feelings don't go away until the 13th every month. The 13th is everyday for us.

I talk to her every day, as if I am telling her a story about our life. It is a weird thing. Its like we are sitting on the porch or yard and I am telling her about our life. Hard to explain right now.

Deep breath

I just miss her so much and wish I could hold her one more time.

Deep breath


  1. Still behind you. Still listening. Still caring. Still so sad for what Saoirse had to go through and for what you and Kezia are going through. Still there.

  2. the anniversary of someone who has died is always unbelievabley painful. My heart breaks for you both. For the anniversary how about giving out a single flower or ballon to people on the street or t stop.Turn in aweful day into something your daughter would have loved. Just a thought and many prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I realized it was the 9th today and coming up on the anniversary. I can not imagine what you are feeling. It breaks my heart knowing how much you and other parents like you suffer. BUT I want you to try and think about what you guys have done over the course of a year! You are using your pain as an avenue to help others. Not many people can or are capable of doing that. You have made 1000's of people more aware of the hell we call childhood cancer and you have raised $1000's in support of cancer. You created a foundation, invented Careline, and help other families deal with this disease. You are very inspirational. You made me a better person and we haven't even met in person. That is pretty awesome. You should be proud of yourselves and know that Saiorse is very proud of you too. Hugs XOXO - Julie, Canandaigua NY