How do I prepare myself for the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death?
First of all, I have to allow myself to look forward to christmas. Meaning - decorations.
Most of the past year I have maintained I will not decorate, turn on the colorful lights on the house or put up a tree. I thought it would just be to difficult. But after much consideration, talking with Kezia about it and reading others' posts from the past I think it would be a great idea to put up a tree. Saoirse would have loved it. Plus I strongly feel her presence in the house, so I think her spirit will be sad if we don't decorate. She loved the colorful lights. I also feel that by not decorating I will be avoiding feelings that I need to embrace.
I miss her so much. Thanksgiving was tough, it was the last major "first" holiday without her. She died right before christmas last year so christmas was the first major holiday without her. But last year, right about this time of year Saoirse started getting really sick. Life was a blur for me. My entire focus was Saoirse and getting her well and dealing with strong conflicting feelings that I knew in the depths of my soul that she was dying. I don't really remember christmas last year.
Kezia and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do for the anniversary. We just don't know. Maybe let off a couple of lanterns? Go to dinner somewhere? Go somewhere special and spread some of her ashes?
See, our feelings don't go away until the 13th every month. The 13th is everyday for us.
I talk to her every day, as if I am telling her a story about our life. It is a weird thing. Its like we are sitting on the porch or yard and I am telling her about our life. Hard to explain right now.
I just miss her so much and wish I could hold her one more time.