NO NO NO NO

"Hi, I need to find organic rated pesticide to get rid of flea Beatle and slugs on my tomato plants.  Which way to the safe spray soaps?" I asked the the guy in orange.

My PawLaw told me what was wrong with my tomato plants. I needed to fix them right away.

Wait, wait. Should I be doing this? Why am I here asking for this. Will my kid get cancer because I spay our veggies? fuck. What do I do? What if I spray it and Lochlan develops a lump after eating the tomatoes. Let me read this label again. Fuck. Fuck it its rated for "organic gardening". Apparently I can eat my veggies and fruit right away after spaying. Whew.. that makes me feel better.

No it does not.

"Isle 3 sir, follow me", said the ever to happy to help me guy.
"I'm good", I quickly said.
"I'm going to take a quick look at these riding lawn motors first, thank you".

I hate it sometimes when I'm escorted to the isle and area that I need. I feel like I am obligated to rush. They always walk fast.

Walk fast. fast.

Sorry... my mind wonders sometimes. Its part of my exclusive clubs daily dues.

I have a rare night tonight. I planned this because I needed this.

You have no idea how much I look forward to a night where I can do what I want and not have to stress on when Lochlan is going to stop getting up out of bed and actually go to sleep. Or worry about if Kezia has had enough food. She is with Emily and I know she loves that. She needs that get away too.  Or need to plan Lochlans morning. This freedom for just a few short hours is refreshing.

Sort of.

Kezia is at Emily's and Lochlan is Grammy and Grampa's for the night. I am by myself tonight. rare. I planned it because Kezia is very sick. She need to be with Emily this weekend. Ill go more into this later.

The dialogue above happened tonight at the the Home Depot in Danvers. The one my side. Yes.... Danvers has an abundance of home improvement and garden centers. I told myself that I was going to take this rare opportunity to relax. Sit and eat. Sit and watch something with out stressing.

What did I do? I worked in the garden. I added string to my pea stalks so they have something to grab onto . I listened to music in my garage. (my man cave). I stressed about Kezia. Hard. I think about her all the time. I worry. I am angry. She shouldn't be sick. Fuck. This is happening all over again. I need to clean the house. I need to vacuum and clean our bedroom. She can't breath dust and mold. I need to change sheets. Shit I forgot I need to get lochlan's laundry started. Wait should I do towels. Let me take a look at the bathrooms. I think I should clean and vacuum. Wait wait. I need to slow down and focus. ..... Wait wait wait. Lets focus. NO NO NO NO NO

Don't think about it. NO NO NO NO NO.

NO NO NO

I can't tell you about the images or situations that cause me to scream NO NO NO NO. Not yet. It will scare the shit out of you. Get to know me more.

This happens. I ramble think. Its part of the dues.

I am going to make my nachos. My teeth hurt ( I need 2 root canals). I wonder if Saoirse's teeth hurt. Did she ..

NO NO NO ... I see the team around her. They are trying to incubate......

NO NO NO...

I say "No no no" out loud. It helps to rid of it. (Only people in the club will get this.. Sorry)

Ok.. in the morning I can finish planting. Where are those pumpkin seeds?

No.. I am not going there tonight. Does Kezia's teeth hurt? Do her tumors hurt? I wonder how her hear and breathing are tonight.. Wait wait.. I can't.

I am suppose to be relaxing and decompressing. I am going to find a movie to watch. I told myself that I should watch a movie. It will help to slow my mind down. My wife is sick.

Sometimes having time alone isn't what its cracked up to be. There is only a few places that I have had total peace since .. Well, since Saoirse died. Ill write about that later.

Lets give it a go. I'll write tomorrow about the movie. I have no Idea what I'm going to watch. But you will hear about it. Ill also write more about Kezia. I need to. Fucking cancer.

M