As I sit in my office or in my chair in the living room, I ask myself "did the past year actually happen?", "did we really have a child with cancer?"
I have been having some bad days. I am again being flooded by images of saoirse the day she died. The sounds actually and the image of her getting cpr. I am haunted by all of the doctor talk. I am haunted by the machine that made the loud beeping noise.......
It had been getting better, but I have times where it really floods me. I know I am not crazy, its just difficult. It sucks all of the wind out of me. What was she thinking about? did she feel any pain? did she hear me tell her I love her from across the room? Did we make the right decisions?
Regret..
Not bringing her home so she could die at home.
Deep breath
I have been crying for a week actually. I feel such a deep sense of loss. Saoirse's birthday is tomorrow. We are having a Celebration Party for her on June 9th. Saoirse loved life and she loved parties. She loved being around her friends and playing. All of her friends are having birthday parties right now.. Thats the other thing.. we are invited to the parties and we go. Kezia's mom's group are wonderful and have stuck by our sides through and through. We love them all. We bring saoirse's Elmo doll with Curious Georges shirt on.. Saoirse's presence is always there.
Kezia is also launching the Fitzgerald Cancer Fund by flooding the plaza of the Today Show on June 18th with large poster sized pictures of NB kids. Helping to organize this has been tolling on the both of us.. Its overwhelming actually because there are so many factors in putting it together. We still need to have the posters printed and find a place that is not expensive. The other challenge has been getting people to come down and help hold posters because we have to get there early.. Like super early to ensure the prime location. It is a monday so its difficult i realize. But we will make it work.
I will write more later.. Also, I will write about our trip to Austin, TX later. This was significant for me because I got to speak with other parents - In particular other dads.
Mike,
ReplyDeleteYou are truly just an astounding person and I am so grateful that you have shared Saoirse's story and made me aware of neuroblastoma. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow, such a special and difficult day, and hope that though I'm very far away I send my strength and thoughts to you and Kezia everyday.
I understand how you feel. Spend a precious time with Kezia tomorrow for Saoirse's birthday. Try to talk about the good and happiest memories you two had with her if it is possible. Love the photo. Kezia mentioned about it in her blog. I think it is great. Will be thinking of you two tomorrow. Sending prayers.
ReplyDeleteNot much I can say different than the above comments. I was never big on praying until I started to follow you guys quite some time ago. I do believe in an afterlife and I believe Saiorse is watching you and is with you everyday. I don't think she felt pain when she passed. I do think she knew you were there and she heard you tell her you loved her. I cry just thinking about it. Her birthday is not going to be easy for you. I can't even imagine but I think it is awesome you are going to have a party for her. SHE WILL LOVE THAT! Just try to think of good times tomorrow. Hugs to you both. Happy Birthday sweet Saiorse!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to your beautiful baby girl! Sending you and Kezia love and light on this day and every other.
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