Dreams

My dreams have been potent. I am having terrible night mares. Most nights I just don't want to go to sleep for fear of my dreams. My dreams are about Saoirse. Sometimes they are of her dying and sometimes they are about her being gone and I am frantically trying to find her because she needs her medicine. Other times I am in a dark space and I am yelling "Saoirse". Other times there is a guy in a white coat (its a doctor, the doctor who I saw sticking needles in her chest when she was being intubated). He is holding her and walking away. I try to run after them but I just can't catch up. I can see Saoirse looking back at me crying. I had that dream the other night, waking up trying to catch my breath. 

I was talking with people earlier this week about dreams. Now, sometimes I have good and enduring dreams. I have only had 2 or 3 dreams that I can remember of Saoirse where I woke up feeling good. I believe she visits me in my dreams when that happens. I believe she visits me all the time around the house and yard. I sense she is here. 

All in all, I am staying motivated and grounded. I am assured by other parents who have lost a child to cancer - actually who has lost a child, that I am not crazy. 

I miss Saoirse. I just wish I could hold her one more time. 

Deep breath. 

NMTRC Symposium 2012

Currently at the NMTRC Symposium 2012.. wow, what a lot of information relating to Neuroblastoma. I will write more detail later, but there are some great things happening in the treatment of Neuroblastoma..

No mother should have to deal with this

I think the best I can do is just be there for her. Not be overly hovering her, give space and lots of hugs.

Saoirse was diagnosed on Mothers day of 2011. So Kezia has a double pain. On top of that, Kezia was battling her own cancer and going through Chemo. I have been trying to place myself in her shoes to get her through this. I also have to make sure I am ok. I have been having dreams lately about Saoirse.. She is crying for me. I can't get to her. Then I wake up. For just a second, I think its just a dream and I listen for her in her room. Then it hits me.

Deep breath.