My dreams have been potent. I am having terrible night mares. Most nights I just don't want to go to sleep for fear of my dreams. My dreams are about Saoirse. Sometimes they are of her dying and sometimes they are about her being gone and I am frantically trying to find her because she needs her medicine. Other times I am in a dark space and I am yelling "Saoirse". Other times there is a guy in a white coat (its a doctor, the doctor who I saw sticking needles in her chest when she was being intubated). He is holding her and walking away. I try to run after them but I just can't catch up. I can see Saoirse looking back at me crying. I had that dream the other night, waking up trying to catch my breath.
I was talking with people earlier this week about dreams. Now, sometimes I have good and enduring dreams. I have only had 2 or 3 dreams that I can remember of Saoirse where I woke up feeling good. I believe she visits me in my dreams when that happens. I believe she visits me all the time around the house and yard. I sense she is here.
All in all, I am staying motivated and grounded. I am assured by other parents who have lost a child to cancer - actually who has lost a child, that I am not crazy.
I miss Saoirse. I just wish I could hold her one more time.
Deep breath.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
I have never met you, and to be honest, it breaks my heart to read your blog. But I read it because I care how you are doing and also because it reminds me to make the most of my time with my children and to not let the daily annoyances take priority. Bills and cleaning and all that can wait and is not as important as loving your babies while they are here. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I feel so sorry any parent should have to live through such a thing. You're in my thoughts and prayers. And thank you for reminding me to make the most of my time with my family.
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