My night mares are getting worse. I know its been over a year since Saoirse died. The images of the night she died are still very fresh in my mind. My regrets are still very strong. I will work through all of this and I know things take time. Regrets will lesson as I continue to realize and know that there was nothing I could do to save my child. The images of her dying may take some more time. I do not sleep very well because of it. I know some people may say to just turn them off. I say to them that they never watched their child die. A violent death. I regret having them try to intubate her. She was dying and maybe I needed to let them sedate her and let her die in peace. Instead I watched a team of wonderful doctors and nurses try to intubate her so she could live longer and have a chance to heal and get better so we could try to get her into another protocol. I just wanted her to get well. She wanted to live. But at the end, she just kept signing to us "all done" all done".
My mind is constantly flooded with the last few hours of her life, in particular the last hour. Then after she died I would not leave her side. I did not want to leave the hospital. I felt like I was leaving her. I sometimes feel I failed as a father because she died. I know I did the best I could, I get that. Saying that doesn't take the pain away though. It will in time.
I am going to start seeing a therapist. I need to do something about my PTSD. I need to be able to focus on our business. It may not help that our business is focused on a couple of products that Kezia designed while Saoirse was sick. So pretty much all day I am looking at pictures of my daughter and marketing to hospitals. What keeps me going is how much we know our products help other people.
I am also trying to make sure I don't stress out Kezia. She is pregnant and I am stressed about her cancer coming back.