So some people are curious about what I am being haunted by every second of the day.
Saoirse having a hard time breathing
Seing her tears turn white as soon as they exited her eyes
Seeing white salt lines coming from her eyes to ears
Seeing her swollen tung extremely dry because she couldn't have fluids
Saoirse signing "all done"
Saoirse being curious about in IV line clip about 2 hours before she died - she didn't want to die
Saoirse saying "elmo" the last thing I heard my child say
Saoirse's legs and feet swollen so much I thought she was going to pop
Hearing her moan in pain as the "team" was moving her to try and stabilize her so they could intubate her
Hearing the doctor order "more sedation"
Hearing the monitor beep
Watching the entire process - I am haunted by the entire process like its in slow motion
Watching the doctor stick a long needle in Saoirse's chest and hearing air come out
Watching them adjust her head so they could intubate her
Watching them struggle to intubate her - Saoirse was fighting them
Watching the eyes of the lead doctor directing the team - sad eyes
Hearing her crashing and hearing the "code" come over the intercom
Hearing the lead doctor order "cpr"
Seeing them perform CPR on Saoirse
Seeing her body flop around as they were performing CPR
Hearing my wife cry as I held her.
Hearing the deep unexplainable cry come from her as the doctor came over and sat next to us
Hearing the doctor say "we are fighting a battle we can not win"
Hearing myself say "stop CPR"
Telling the doctor to make sure she is cleaned up because I didn't want her mother to see what I saw
Seeing my daughter lay there motionless and pail. Needle holes in her chest
Seeing her front tooth chipped - probably from the intubation
Standing there wishing she would start breathing again
Seeing her eyes swollen
Seeing dark liquid come out of her nose
Watching my wife look at our daughter laying there
There is much much more. This is just a portion of what haunts me every day. I will write again later.
A father is just not suppose to see these things happen. Period.
There are a thousand good memories I play over and over. It helps, however does not alleviate the pain and memories.