So some people are curious about what I am being haunted by every second of the day.
Saoirse having a hard time breathing
Seing her tears turn white as soon as they exited her eyes
Seeing white salt lines coming from her eyes to ears
Seeing her swollen tung extremely dry because she couldn't have fluids
Saoirse signing "all done"
Saoirse being curious about in IV line clip about 2 hours before she died - she didn't want to die
Saoirse saying "elmo" the last thing I heard my child say
Saoirse's legs and feet swollen so much I thought she was going to pop
Hearing her moan in pain as the "team" was moving her to try and stabilize her so they could intubate her
Hearing the doctor order "more sedation"
Hearing the monitor beep
Watching the entire process - I am haunted by the entire process like its in slow motion
Watching the doctor stick a long needle in Saoirse's chest and hearing air come out
Watching them adjust her head so they could intubate her
Watching them struggle to intubate her - Saoirse was fighting them
Watching the eyes of the lead doctor directing the team - sad eyes
Hearing her crashing and hearing the "code" come over the intercom
Hearing the lead doctor order "cpr"
Seeing them perform CPR on Saoirse
Seeing her body flop around as they were performing CPR
Deep breath
Hearing my wife cry as I held her.
Hearing the deep unexplainable cry come from her as the doctor came over and sat next to us
Hearing the doctor say "we are fighting a battle we can not win"
Hearing myself say "stop CPR"
Deep breath....
Telling the doctor to make sure she is cleaned up because I didn't want her mother to see what I saw
Seeing my daughter lay there motionless and pail. Needle holes in her chest
Seeing her front tooth chipped - probably from the intubation
Standing there wishing she would start breathing again
Seeing her eyes swollen
Seeing dark liquid come out of her nose
Watching my wife look at our daughter laying there
Deep breath....
There is much much more. This is just a portion of what haunts me every day. I will write again later.
A father is just not suppose to see these things happen. Period.
There are a thousand good memories I play over and over. It helps, however does not alleviate the pain and memories.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
Mike, your words and memories brought tears to my eyes. Those images must be so vivid in your mind. Know that you were there for your daughter until the very end and to say those words "stop CPR" is one of the strongest things you could have done for Saoirse and Kezia. So this may be silly but here is something I will call "Details of Saoirse" These are all things that I know and so many other people around the world know about your beautiful baby girl without even having met her. That is saying a lot about her. I hope these memories will replace your ugly, scary ones if only for a moment.
ReplyDelete"Details of Saoirse"
Saoirse was a beautiful vibrant baby girl.
Saoirse was the apple of her parents' eyes.
Saoirse loved Elmo.
Saoirse loved Fallon, her best furry friend.
Saoirse loved to play outdoors.
Saoirse loved walks with Mommy and Daddy.
Saoirse loved having breakfast with her Daddy.
Saoirse made everyone smile.
Saoirse is still making people smile.
Saoirse fought so hard and died too soon but her light will never diminish.
Lynne
Mike, I don't know you personally but have followed your journey and wanted to share a few insights from our loss.
ReplyDeleteI also was present as the doctor's tried desperately to save our son, David and I also suffered intense memories. Suffering is a good word to describe it. At times I felt that I had a film reel running in my head and it would never stop.
While these memories needed to be integrated, I also found that at a certain point I needed to talk with a professional. Someone who could help me process all of the feelings: anger, guilt, love, panic, pain, etc. etc. etc. It's not an easy process to integrate memories of this magnitude, but I want to assure you that it can be done. It took hard work and a patient pschologist for me to reach this point in my life. If the god-awful memories try to take over, I have learned coping skills to help and for that I am eternally grateful.
Wishing you peace & comfort, Marni Rose (Grand Rapids, MI)
I am so so sorry at your suffering and the images that flood your mind. I can't imagine and honestly I suspect it will take you a very long time not let them haunt you. I am glad you are talking to someone too. I will pray for your family as I always do. Please don't feel guilty Mike and do not give up. Hugs- Julie
ReplyDeleteYour post has touched me greatly, like no other. I don't know how you live through it. I guess you just do. I'm so sorry ... truly I am. I don't know what else to say. I think you are very brave and your wife is very brave too. Little Saoirse is truly an angel. There are many of us out here praying for your family and feeling (just a little of what you do, I know) with you. Don't ever give up. Saoirse would not want that for you. Peace.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry for your loss, suffering and pain. I have just come across your blog and it is heart-rending. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent. Wish you peace of mind...
ReplyDelete