I do not want the holidays to come

The past few weeks has been difficult. Usually I am excited about the holidays. I love decorating and getting the tree. This year not so much. Actually, I am not excited about it at all. I do not want the holidays to be here at all. Halloween was horrible. I really missed the excitement of what we would design for a costume for Saoirse. I know it was difficult on Kezia too. We just didn't seem very excited.

Deep Breath

I am not sure I want an xmas tree this year either. I guess I just feel overwhelmed that it has almost been a year. I miss holding her. I miss her learning and smiling and being excited about things she discovers. I miss her playing with Fallon. I feel her presence here in the house too. Its just so surreal.

There are some things that I can't/won't put away yet.


Folded clothes I put on my dresser about a week before she died as well as her sweater and toothbrush

Folded clothes and one of her clothes hangers and a bag of snacks. I put these there on my bedroom radiator the day before we took her to the hospital last year

Her changing table. Nothing has changed yet. her shoes are still there as if they are waiting for her feet.