Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I do not want the holidays to come

The past few weeks has been difficult. Usually I am excited about the holidays. I love decorating and getting the tree. This year not so much. Actually, I am not excited about it at all. I do not want the holidays to be here at all. Halloween was horrible. I really missed the excitement of what we would design for a costume for Saoirse. I know it was difficult on Kezia too. We just didn't seem very excited.

Deep Breath

I am not sure I want an xmas tree this year either. I guess I just feel overwhelmed that it has almost been a year. I miss holding her. I miss her learning and smiling and being excited about things she discovers. I miss her playing with Fallon. I feel her presence here in the house too. Its just so surreal.

There are some things that I can't/won't put away yet.

Folded clothes I put on my dresser about a week before she died as well as her sweater and toothbrush

Folded clothes and one of her clothes hangers and a bag of snacks. I put these there on my bedroom radiator the day before we took her to the hospital last year

Her changing table. Nothing has changed yet. her shoes are still there as if they are waiting for her feet.


  1. Mike,
    Thinking of you and Kezia in this tough time, I don't blame you a bit for not looking forward to the holidays and not enjoying Halloween. I wish you and Kezia the best during this time and as always am amazed by your strength.

  2. I have been told that the second year is worse than the first - and I just didn't want to believe it but I think it is true. The first Halloween without Alexander we were still in such shock. He had two Halloweens - but one he was only 4 months old, and the second he had cancer. He was actually home for Halloween, but we couldn't take him any place. The next day he had an MRI - what fun is that!?!
    Even with having a new baby, I am finding the holidays difficult - perhaps because she is the same "age" he was when he had his first holidays? I don't know....sigh....deep breath

    mom to Angel Alexander the Great