serious business

I never got to my phone. I was scared to do it. i think i will work on moving all the video and photos tomorrow. thats a better plan. this has been a stressful day for me. Very emotional i guess. i had a great conversation with another dad who lost his son to Neuroblastoma. its been a few years for him so his prospective is what i was looking for. it helped. a lot actually. it always does. i just have felt so sad and lost today, well actually the past couple. its been 3 weeks and I can not believe it. we did manage to get some things done today. errands. bills. insurance paperwork. all done and satisfied. feels good. we do realize that things keep going and we have to keep up. I took Saoirse off our insurance yesterday. that was hard. it was something concrete.

deep breath.

my mom is doing better. she runs out of energy real fast because her heart isn't functioning up to par. i am worried about her. and my dad for that matter. she is having a defibrillator put in at the end of the month.
i am glad they got to come up and spend time with Saoirse before she passed. it was a good visit.

I did more work on refining my business plan today for the business we are starting. Its fun for me working it out and writing it. right now i am focusing on the marketing strategy. i can only go so far until i get the quote for the initial product launch, which we think we have an investor which will enable us to launch the company and draw in some more investors. but i need that quote first. working on it.  its a great product (s) that Kezia developed and i can't wait to tell everyone about them. Soon. i need to get back to work and it feels good developing this. it also feels good working on ideas for the foundation.

the 18 months of saoirse's life seems like years. its so weird that our life was so full.. busy and eventful. before Saoirse got sick it was busy taking her fun places, teaching her, watching her learn and grow and taking care of Kezia who had been sick already for 4 months. we kept pretty busy.

our life stopped abruptly. it was like poof. gone. it wasn't like when a you power down a boat fully that is going fast. it slows quickly and the back of the boat kinda sinks, the bow rises and eventually you float to a stop. this was like when you forget to untie the boat from the dock.

Saoirse taught me a lot of things. perseverance is one of the top on the list. She always found a way to make it through the tough times. she would always find something to smile at. she was so full of life. and she just kept moving forward as much as she could. No matter how much resistance i get, how difficult things can get starting the business, or dealing with some of the negative non supportive people in our lives.. i will keep moving forward. No more "what if's", no more "I wish i could do that". people choose not to take risks because of their own fears and negativity. mostly negativity because fear can be a great motivator. but there has to come a time when you have to embrace that fear and combat those negative tapes with positive reenforcement and you say "sure its scary, but i have to find a way to make it work and go for it". well, we have reached that point in our lives. 


I miss holding her. every night i go outside and hum to her. I vision myself holding her, rocking her and humming to her. my chest feels warm when i do this. it feels so good to imagine that. feeling her heart beat, feeling her breathing as i hold her. making sure she is comfortable and safe. warm. 


deep breath. 


more tomorrow.