I have been having a difficult time lately. Fathers day was horrible for me. I do not know what I was thinking when I suggested that Kezia and the board launch the organization on Fathers day weekend. I was there to support my family and friends and to help Kezia. I tried hard to put on a tough face and figured that I would just deal with Fathers day by doing something good. Didn't quite work that way.
I miss her every day. Fathers day seemed to heighten that. We spent the first half of the day driving to NYC. My mind wasn't clear and nothing was going the way that "I" expected. (things went fine and worked out even better, but of course when I am in that funk my perception is way off)
I couldn't shake Saoirse's last day, and how I felt I let her down. I still feel that way. I saw dads with their kids wearing the fun Dads Day T-shirts worn by both dad and kids.
I wore my shirt, the only Dads Day shirt I have. "Father Moe's Best" by "Life Is Good". It has a picture of a dad mowing the lawn. I love mowing my lawn. I love wearing it. I wear it a lot actually and have to stop because it will get worn out. I can't find another one so I will just wear it a few times a year I think. Saoirse loved that shirt because its so soft. It was gentle on her cheek and head when she had to lay on my shoulder when I held her. I miss holding her. I am so sad. I miss her so much.
I had a breakdown in NYC on Fathers Day, Sunday night. I just couldn't take it anymore. I cried and cried. Before I cried I was blaming other people for my false expectations and pushing people away. All I wanted to do was spend time with Saoirse. "why me?", "why did she have to die?", "why couldn't I save her?", etc.
I really tried to just smile at other dads, thinking of last year and the wonderful time we had while playing "Put Put".
But the pressure just kept building. I felt completely out of control. Kezia and Paul went to Jessica's hotel room because I asked to be alone. Then I cried. And I cried. Then cried some more. Tears trickled most of the day, but it was at night when it all came out. I didn't think I was going to stop. Here I was overlooking Times Square, NYC and I couldn't help but think.."the last time I saw this place Saoirse was with us". Once I cried and came to my senses, my mind was clearer. I leveled out and realized how much of a putz I had been with my wife and friends. We all had a great talk and I was able to just talk and get it all out.
Then lessons from my daughter came flooding to me. Saoirse always tried to smile and seemed to not let things take her away from living life. Her cancer didn't stop her. It accelerated her. After I cried and got back in touch with my feelings rationally, I couldn't help but feel she was there pushing me to be balanced and to make the best of it. She pushed me to realize that life is short and I have to keep moving forward and staying positive.
I miss her so much. It has been over 6 months and still seems so surreal and like it just happened yesterday. We go to a group a couple of times a month for parents who lost a child (of all sorts of reasons) and the group has been very helpful. Most parents in the group's also feel like it "just happened yesterday".
I have so much more to write about tomorrow.