Ebb and Flow

All I have to say today is that I miss Saoirse. It comes in heavy waves sometimes. I have cried frequently over the past couple of days because I just can't get the day of her death out of my mind. That day comes in waves too. I miss he so much. Kezia is having a difficult time too. People who have lost their child to Neuroblastoma, or any other childhood cancer,  have told me this is normal. The ebb and flow of the emotions and thoughts. I just wish I could have held her and comforted her when she was dying. What did she see? Was she thinking about anything? Was she in any pain? No-one has these answers.

Yesterday I walked out into the back yard and noticed that her outdoor toys had grass all over them from when I cut the grass. For a split second I thought "I better hose those off so Saoirse can play on them". Then the brick wall hit me. These little moments, yet large hit me all of the time. They come so fast that it just hits me in the heart. This I am told is "normal" too.

Saoirse was so awesome.