Monday, June 11, 2012

Pain and Blinders

With a week away from the launch of the Foundation, the stress is lessoning a bit. I have very little to do with the foundation because as Kezia launches the foundation we are simultaneously launching a business, which I devote most of my time to. (can't wait to tell you about it - soon. I promise)

The foundation has a wonderful and dedicated Board of Directors who have worked tirelessly to put it all together correctly and legally. They are all so wonderful.

Moving on.

We had a celebration of life party for Saoirse this past Saturday. It was such a great day. We have some awesome friends.  We wanted to have a party because that is what Saoirse would have loved. I miss her so much. I almost called it off a few weeks ago. But glad I did not.

Fathers day is coming up and I believe it is effecting me more than I was willing to admit. For a while now I have been so focused on the business, the launch and just the fact that Saoirse died that I have been blind and not paying attention to people around me. I have been cranky lately as well. Just not fair to my partner Kezia. She is such a wonderful person and I wish that her Baby didn't die. She misses her so much and I don't have a way to bring Saoirse back. I don't have a way to stop the pain. I so wish I did.

Deep breath....

I still have a lot of moments where I still think she is here. I will be outside in the garage or garden and look up to her room and for a split second I wonder "is she going to come wave to me through the window?" or "I better finish up, she will be awake soon". These thoughts, these strong feelings of her being here still occur. It happens all of the time. They are lessoning, and it seems that my thoughts are starting to flip from the day she died and all of the suffering, to the great times, times she felt good. Hearing her voice in my minds eye. She was so "as a matter of fact" when she spoke. She was so strong and full of life. She was just a baby loving to learn new things. Oh how she loved to learn. Reading was her favorite. She would go grab her favorite book - "Curious George - A Treasury of". This is a big heavy hard back book. She would bring it over to the chair in the living room and slap her other hand on the chair and saying "seeeet, seeet".. hehehe.. she was trying to say "sit". Then she would say "ook" hehe. such wonderful small moments.

Deep breath..

I will write more later.

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