It has been a rough couple of weeks. I am not sure if my system is preparing me for the upcoming months.
Tonight my nephew and Kezia and watching How I Met your Mother. It is the episode where Marshals dad dies and the story is focused on Marshals dad's last words. I had to go upstairs and eat. I just cant watch that episode for a while.
Saoirse's last words to me were "elmo". It was just the night before she died. I put on Elmo on the iPad so she could watch it. She saw the show come on and pointed and mumbled "elmo". She was so swollen she could barely talk. But she mustered up enough energy to say "elmo".
For the past few weeks that moment has been playing over and over in my head. I am trying hard to shake those last hours. I am trying hard to not think about her face, how swollen it was. I am trying hard not to think about all the noises in the ICU as they were doing CPR. I am trying not to think about seeing her little body thrust up and down as they were performing CPR. I just cant bear to her her moaning from pain just before the doctor verbally ordered more sedation.
Deep Breath....
I just want her to come home.
I cant sleep at night. I wake up about every hour. Much like I did when she was in the hospital. I wanted to stay up 24 hours in case she needed me. Its just what a father does for his child.
How does a father deal with the death of his child. How does a father deal with watching his child suffer? How does a father deal with watching his child die.
I have tried walking in the evening hoping it would tire me out enough. I think about happy times all the time hoping it will take away the nightmare images of my daughter dying.
Deep Breath...
I just want to sleep. I want some rest. I have to finish this business plan for our business and I am so stuck. Well, not really stuck because I just need to tighten up loose ends and wait for the quote from our manufacturer.
I am just exhausted. I do not want October to come. I do not want November to come. I do not want December to come.
I did everything I could. And then she died.
Deep breath.
I just want her to come home.
I am a husband. A dad. A business owner. My wife's cancer relapsed. We have a 3 year old. Did I mention my kid died of cancer? I write about all of it.
I lost my daughter in November last year to Brain cancer. She would be turning 4 on Oct. 6th. When I read the words you wrote it felt as if I could be writing them. It is crazy how hard the past month has gotten, almost the worst it has been knowing that her birthday and 1 year since she passed was coming up. The smell of fall just the cool breeze knocks me out with those memories those last ones you can't shake. The ones no body could ever really get and the ones you don't think you will ever process fully. I wish I had more advice for you every one just says it gets easier I don't know if it is that or you just become used to the feeling. But I know, I just want her to come home...
ReplyDeleteI have been wanting to contact you guys and this post felt like a sign that it was time. We also did many alternative treatments with our daughter. You can read about her story www.followkiwi.org. We are working on creating some different things to provide to children with cancer and would love to stay in touch.... You can contact us more through the site...
I am so incredibly sorry for your family's pain and so amazed at all of the positive things you do. You honor her completely.
ReplyDeleteI feel really honoured and so touched to have read your words Mike, my heart does ache for you and your wife. Life is incredibly unfair, your daughter is an inspiration as are you. Sending you healing thoughts.
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