I haven't posted in a while. Truth is, I have not felt very motivated to write. My life is still very surreal. The past week has been a down moment for me. I have avoided the videos I am making of Saoirse as well as a video I need to put together for our products for our business. The feelings are very tense and I just miss Saoirse so bad. I have clearly been avoiding my feelings. Sometimes I feel that if I move forward, I am leaving her behind. I am also having strong sensations that she is somewhere out there. I still feel as If we are leaving her behind when we leave in the car. When I see something on the floor I still think as I am bending over to pick it up "better pick that up so Saoirse doesn't get it". I have not been sleeping well lately either. Weird dreams but can't describe them. This all comes and goes.
I miss being a dad. Maybe I fear that if I move on that I will loose that "dad" feeling. I don't know. Today after Kezia went to dance class, I finished planting lettuce and then came in the house to wash my hands. While drying my hands I just stood in the kitchen and I felt the deep quiet. I just felt that I was all alone. It was so quiet I just started crying. I went upstairs to Saoirse's room and sat in the rocker and just cried. I cried hard and loud. It was building up. I have had many moments in the past few days where I just felt full. I knew I needed to cry and let it out. I saw her in her crib, on the changing table.. playing in her room. Then I noticed the little finger prints all over the windows. She loved playing in her room and looking out the window. I never want those windows washed.
We see a lot of people out walking with strollers. I see it in Kezia's eyes that she hurts when she sees this. I haven't been there enough for her. I can and will do better.
Here is a short video I put together of Saoirse reading. Kezia shot it one day as Saoirse was reading her a book and telling a wonderful story. She loved reading and being read to. You can tell that she is so passionate about the story she is reading. Her mind was so strong and imaginative.
I feel so bad for you and wish that things were different. You will never leave her behind Mike. I guess you have two choices, continue to live, function, develop and grow in this life or get stuck. I think you know what happens to those who get stuck. Forcing yourself to choose the former will not leave Saoirse behind. She is in your heart and your mind. If you get to the point where every second of every day isn't filled with thoughts of her, it doesn't mean you are forgetting her or leaving her behind. She is now your love for her, and that lives within you. You can't leave that behind. But, you are strong and I believe you can get to the point where you don't let it consume you and prevent you from living the rest of your life. Acceptance can be such an impossible thing though. I know that words can't even begin to describe the magnitude of your loss, or really help with it. I feel for you Mike and keep you and Kezia in my thoughts.
ReplyDeletebeautiful video! keep going - one day at a time...
ReplyDeleteMike,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you were able to write a little after having such a troubling time. I am sure that this beautiful weather that we are having is just adding to your pain. When the weather is nice, everyone is out and smiling and walking their babies and the absence of Saorise must be overwhelming. I know how much it must hurt for you and Kezia to see all the happy people and babies. You will smile again. It may not be soon, but you will. And as you are smiling, you will still be missing your beautiful daughter because you always will and she will always be with you. Even if you tried, you could never leave her behind, she is too strong. I hope that you and Kezia can take turns being the strong one when the other needs it. You will be strong for her when you can and she knows that. She sees and feels your pain too. You too are strong together so lean on each other. Thank you for sharing. I am thinking of you both and praying for a little comfort for you.
Lynne
Beautiful and touching post Mike. I am sorry you hurt so bad. You guys are amazing - just take your time and do what you can. Nobody expects you guys to be on here or post or anything. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.
ReplyDeleteI loved the video. She was making me smile so big. What a sweetie. She was really digging that book- LOL . Loved it. I hope you smile when you watch that. It must be hard too. Damn hard. Hang in there. Time will heal but you will never forget and she will always live in you.
She is precious!!! My heart is breaking for you. Praying for you and your wife!!!
ReplyDeleteI started crying the moment I read, "I miss being a dad"....and I would probably never want to wash those windows either. That's wonderful video of her reading her book. What a sweet, awesome girl.
ReplyDeleteMike, having lost our 16-year-old Esther in August 2010 to thyroid cancer, my heart was touched by your blog. Your loss is so recent, and I am so sorry. Just after Esther died, a grieving father whose son had died of cancer five years previously told us bluntly, "It never gets better." He was right, and wrong too. The emptiness is still here, but it does change. My husband has been writing our daughter's biography, and like you he wakes to dreams, both good and bad. But like you, we're trying to channel our grief into making a difference, and establishing This Star Won't Go Out helps me as much as it helps others. Saoirse must be so proud of what you are doing in her honor, in creating a foundation to fight Neuroblastoma, as your way of remembering.
ReplyDeleteI understand. All parents might feel if they move on, they will probably think they pretend that nothing has happened. No, that is not completely true. It is ok to move on because that doesn't mean you want to forgot about her and other things. It is also difficult to move on and it takes time. It depends on individuals. Thinking about her comes and goes away anytime.
ReplyDeleteLooks like she loved reading! Reading is fun for any ages, especially children. My thoughts and prayers are with you two.
I think of you and Kezia and my heart absolutely aches. Believe that I believe that you will grieve Saoirse for the rest of your life, but that it will not be the intense pain you feel now. She received more love and light from the two of you in her brief life than most people get in a lifetime. You are an amazing Dad.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments and support. It really means a lot.
ReplyDelete