Waking up is hard to do sometimes

My 1st thought this morning when I woke up was "I hope Saoirse didn't have much pain". My 1st vision when I woke up this morning was of Saoirse dying.

My day has been shit.

Deep breath.

Summer

Summer is proving difficult. Last summer, when we were not in Childrens Hospital Boston we were trying to find fun free things to take Saoirse to. We were mostly in the Hospital, which I may add the hospital and staff did a great job helping us out while we were in there. When saoirse could, we would take her down to the grass area outside the hospital. She loved it. When we were home, we were outside and out and about. If we even mentioned that we were going outside, Saoirse would run over to her shoes and pick them up and then go to the door. She was so funny. She loved being outside and playing. She was such an explorer. We wanted to expose her to as many experiences as we could. We found free art walks (which she loved), food festivals, concerts. She loved it all. She also loved playing with all of her friends. She loved them so much.

We are finding ourselves stuck.. ?? not sure if that is the right word. When ever we go somewhere, there are reminders of Saoirse. We find ourselves wishing that Saoirse was with us and we are often saying to each other "Saoirse would have loved this". Kezia has been having a difficult time too.

Its just not fair. She deserved to have a life. She seemed to make the best of her life, and in a way, she had a full life.

Sometimes Kezia and I will get up and not do a thing. Its just to hard. The closer it gets to December, the harder it gets and the more I want time to slow down or stop. But it never fails. The weeks are flying by. If it is 6am, its like the blink of an eye it is 6pm.

I have been avoiding watching videos of her. I feel guilty about that sometimes, but its just so difficult sometimes. I hear her voice every day. I see her face every day in my minds eye. When I just don't feel like doing anything, I picture her coming and grabbing my hand and saying "lets go". She motivates me and I hope that never goes away.

We went canoeing the other day. The last time we went, we took Saoirse. She loved it. She loved being on the water and was fascinated by the fact she was in a boat on the water. It was such a pleasure to see her experience life. It was difficult to go, because I kept thinking about her. I kept wishing she was with us. I forced myself to go though, because to be honest, she would have not approved if I didn't go. :)

I had to face that head on and it was wonderful. Sure, I missed her and had a lot of visions from when we went last year. I wished she was there. She was in spirit.

Again.. my daughter has enforced a valuable lesson - When you feel like giving up or not doing something, just go do it. It feels better and life is more full.

Saoirse was such a wonderful little person. And I miss her so much.

Ebb and Flow

All I have to say today is that I miss Saoirse. It comes in heavy waves sometimes. I have cried frequently over the past couple of days because I just can't get the day of her death out of my mind. That day comes in waves too. I miss he so much. Kezia is having a difficult time too. People who have lost their child to Neuroblastoma, or any other childhood cancer,  have told me this is normal. The ebb and flow of the emotions and thoughts. I just wish I could have held her and comforted her when she was dying. What did she see? Was she thinking about anything? Was she in any pain? No-one has these answers.

Yesterday I walked out into the back yard and noticed that her outdoor toys had grass all over them from when I cut the grass. For a split second I thought "I better hose those off so Saoirse can play on them". Then the brick wall hit me. These little moments, yet large hit me all of the time. They come so fast that it just hits me in the heart. This I am told is "normal" too.

Saoirse was so awesome.