No mother should have to deal with this

I think the best I can do is just be there for her. Not be overly hovering her, give space and lots of hugs.

Saoirse was diagnosed on Mothers day of 2011. So Kezia has a double pain. On top of that, Kezia was battling her own cancer and going through Chemo. I have been trying to place myself in her shoes to get her through this. I also have to make sure I am ok. I have been having dreams lately about Saoirse.. She is crying for me. I can't get to her. Then I wake up. For just a second, I think its just a dream and I listen for her in her room. Then it hits me.

Deep breath.

Dada

2-2-12

Today has been challenging. Kezia and I have decided to take care of ourselves and just do things to “get away”. I cant help but feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be having a good time. Or having fun. I should be crying 24/7. I know that is unrealistic though. I have a wide range of feelings. I miss her so bad. There was an 8 month old baby at the restaurant tonight.  Her mom was feeding her and while she was feeding her she was saying “dada”, “where is dada”. I just broke down. I could not stop the tears or feelings. I will never forget the first time I heard Saoirse say “dada”. It grabbed my heard and has not let go. The sound of her voice. The tonality. The definitive “dada”. You are my dad she was saying. I see you, I recognize you and I call you dada. I have waited all my life to hear my child say “dada”. I finally got to hear it. Now I only hear it in my memory.

I remember one time when Saoirse was in the hospital. Kezia was in the room with her and I had stepped out to go to the kitchen to get some milk for Saoirse. All I heard was “dada”, dada. Dada. Saoirse was screaming “dada”. I thought something was wrong. Or she just missed me.  I was called back into the room – I hadn’t made it to the kitchen yet. I had forgotten my cell phone and when I walked back into the room Saoirse was holding up my cell phone and calling  “dada”. She was concerned I forgot my phone. Can you believe that? I walked over and took my phone and kissed her and said and signed “thank you”. I told her I loved her and then went back and got the milk.

She was so smart and attentive.

I just cant believe she is gone.

Deep breath.

I have thousands of stories about her and how aware she was. I will tell them all. I have to.

Tonight as we sit by the fire I forced myself to look at pictures of her and watch some videos of her. I needed to. For my own sanity. Since she passed, I have barely been able to get the bad images of her dying our of my mind. Out of my vision. Its powerful and will probably never go away. I needed to see some great videos of her playing and laughing. It really helped. She makes me smile and always will.

My mother has not been well. She has been wearing a vest that acts as an external deliberator. Her heart is pretty weak. This past Tuesday she had surgery to install a deliberator. I worry about her. She has beat cancer a few times already and even beat congestive heart failure 5 years ago. The doctor told her she has a broken heart from Saoirse passing. This is a very real thing. Of course her diet did not help her. But the death of a grandchild has to weigh heavy on a heart. It did on mine. We will be going to Chicago soon.