Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Monday, June 10, 2013

a dad - a poem - a dad's day.

June 16th.

I am not sure exactly what June 16th means.

I am a dad. I know that my perspective on Fathers Day is forever changed since Saoirse died.

But the reality is.

I will forever be a dad

I loved her. I taught her. I learned from her.

I will forever be a dad

I taught her. I learned from her. I loved her.

I will forever be a dad

I learned from her. I loved her. I taught her.

I will forever be a dad

I love her. I teach her. I learn from her.

I will forever be a dad.

a dad.







Thursday, January 3, 2013

Twas night before christmas

Writing is difficult, Kezia wrote a poem that says it all. I wish Saoirse was home with us. Please check out Kezia's blog.


http://www.newmomnewcancer.blogspot.com/2012/12/twas-night-before-christmas.html

Saturday, May 26, 2012

NMTRC Symposium, liberation and anger.

We attended the NMTRC Symposium 2012 last week. It is important to us to fundraise for non toxic, less toxic and "out of the box" thinking. We are very involved in the research, we have to be. The reality is, the "standard" way of treatment is not working - it hasn't really changed in 40ish years. Kids should not be getting chemo. I am open to nano technology, which was discussed extensively during this conference, where scientist are getting some amazing results in delivering the right chemo to the cancer cells, virtually leaving the healthy cells alone. This makes it less toxic and can give a better quality of life for the kids. 
I have a lot to write about and will. I want to say that the meeting was bitter sweet. It was awesome listening to all of the doctors, scientist and other key figures in curing Neuroblastoma. My highlight was meeting other Neuroblastoma parents. I need that connection. I need to know I am not crazy. I have good news.. I am not crazy. I miss my daughter deeply. The pain, the loss is completely unexplainable that only a parent who went through a child die of cancer, or who has cancer can understand. 

Meeting all of the Doctors and Scientist was also liberating. I felt complete passion from all of them. I got the impression that this is not just a "job" for them. This is a life's passion. They truly want to help. They all agreed that their research was missing an element though.. The parents.  Meeting us for them was moving they said. It brings another element to the research, the motivation. The deep sleepless nights they have when they are seeing encouraging results in lab mice and rats. They are on the verge of a cure. I feel it. I wish that Childrens Hospital Boston was more about "thinking out of the box". I found myself really beating myself up a lot during this conference. Wishing I had taken her out of that hospital and put her in another trial. I am so upset with all of the doctors who still actually believe that the strong chemo works. Sorry, but stats are stats. Survival rates are actually on the mild decline for Neuroblastoma and still a death sentence for relapse/recurrent Neuroblastoma. And stupid politicians who only do what the doctors say. The childhood cancer arena is absolute chaos. There are wonderful and encouraging trials that are showing results but parents do not have a lot of that available to them. Our doctors were very closed mouthed about other trials. We had to do all of the research and decipher the clinical trial information the government provides. Dell is working on a "cloud" for an all encompassing information cloud for doctors, scientist, and parents. Each having their own portal. This will be huge for terrified parents who's child was just diagnosed. We will participate in the development of the Parent portal, along with other parents. This cloud will enable parents to easily find clinical trials to participate in. It will also allow clinical trials to find potential patients. We were those terrified parents. I can't tell you the sleepless nights we had (and still do) researching trials and a better quality of life for Saoirse. Chemo kills children. Its as simple as that. Now, some kids survive, but almost all have health issues of some kind as they grow up.

I am motivated by my daughter Saoirse. I am motivated by the pain. I am motivated by the love others have for Saoirse and our family. 

More to come. (P.S. - if you are in the greater NYC area and want to come show your support, visit fitzgeraldcancerfund.org for the launch event on the Plaza of The Today Show where we flood the plaza with posters of kids of NB.) 





Saturday, December 24, 2011

Hugging the heart

I have had a hard time today. I just had to cry. I was cleaning the kitchen and kept thinking of how Saoirse use to come up and want to play with the dishwasher. I miss that. I would talk with her while i did dishes and she played with her magnets on the fridge. She would just talk talk talk. She loved talking. I just listened and talked with her. Each time she spoke her words grabbed my heart a little tighter. That will never go away.

Deep breath.

I am sad today. I just keep letting myself feel and cry. I am also thinking of good things. Her smile, love of life and her happy moments. I am especially thinking of the night we decorated the tree. That will always be with me. I am comforted knowing that needy children will get some cool and fun toys for xmas.

I am going to chill out a while.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

She loves

Kezia and I are both just so frustrated and stressed out. we remind ourselves to take deep breaths and relax. Our minds need to be clear. The bottom line is we are terrified. Our little girl is so sick and she just does not deserve this. She is so full of life and has such a strong personality. She loves learning, she loves coloring and playing with blocks. She loves lining up all of her stuffed animals and giving them each just a little bite of cracker and then checking their heart rate with her stethoscope. :) she loves laughing and doing silly things with a smile on her face and giggling all the way. She loves curious george and elmo.. also loves singing the cat in the hat song. She loves singing ole macdonald and making animal sounds. She is just such a smart little girl for 18 months old. She loves the christmas tree and playing with the ornaments. she loves the multi colored lights. She loves playing with her toy balls and rolling them around and throwing them. She loves picking up our phone and putting it up to her ear and talking. She loves talking. she loves her puzzles. she loves getting a book for us to read to her. she loves turning the pages by herself :) she loves the texture books. She loves dancing and listing to music. All kinds. She loves playing with other kids. she loves playing with and tormenting Fallon, her puppy.. well dog. She loves being outside and playing with her outdoor toys and climbing the ladder of her little house outside. She loves swinging in her tree swing. She loves riding on the riding lawnmower (1st gear low throttle no blades running). Although its referred to as the "tractor". She loves feeding herself with a spoon. She loves holding the bottle herself. She loves drinking out of cups with a straw. she loves her mommy and daddy. she loves her mamaw and papaw. she loves her grammy and grampa... "ummpa". she loves fun and bright colors. she loves going out to eat and being around people. she loves dogs. she loves having fun. she loves climbing the stairs and being very accomplished when she reaches the top. she loves playing picky boo.. she loves looking for your belly button and expects you to laugh when she pokes it. she loves eating and trying new foods. she loves picking things up and looking at them in amazement. she loves showing you how much she has learned. she loves making other laugh. she loves showing off her pretty clothes. she loves helping. she loves playing with the horse & santa magnets on the refrigerator. she loves trying to open the refrigerator to take out a piece of fruit, she knows exactly where it is. she loves looking around for cheese.. loves cheese. she loves taking things our of the refrigerator and handing it to one of us.

she loves life.