Time feels like a warp. back and fourth.

Saturday's are still very difficult for me. When Saoirse was feeling well we always found something fun and free to do. She loved it. Either we went to the park, which meant walking around in grass, swinging and just running around and playing. We always brought Fallon. Saoirse loved walking with Fallon. If Saoirse was riding in her stroller Fallon would walk right along side of her. Saoirse loved watching Fallon. Other times we would find a free festival to attend or just a destination like Newburyport or Salem. We thought it was important to expose her to music, arts and just being around people and being social. She loved outdoor festivals and concerts. she loved the music and dancing. Or sometimes we would just stay home and go play outside. she loved running around the yard. she loved it when we would push her around the yard in her tricycle or car. she would just smile and laugh turning on the wheel as if she was driving and pointing to the direction she wanted to go :)

Deep breath.

I miss her so much. I finally ate some oatmeal and peanut butter for breakfast the other day. It was her favorite. Which brings me to the story i wanted to tell about her. Every morning we would get up and she would demand her milk. :) then after the milk she would get down off our lap and play with her toys or Fallon while she watched PBS. Curious George or Cat in the Hat, or what ever else was fun to watch. She would play while I made her Oatmeal. I would ask her "do you want some oatmeal and peanut butter?" and she would shake her head up and down, her eyes would open real wide and she would say "yes". hehe. so I would go make it while she played. Of course she would follow me into the kitchen and play with her magnetic horses and santa on the fridge. She would eat while she played on some days and others she would just sit and eat. I didn't normally eat until she was finished. at least thats what I hoped would happen. hehe. So she would finish or be "all done" with the familiar Signing of "all done". (yes we taught her how to baby sign) I would go make my oatmeal and peanut butter. I would go sit down and start eating and she would instantly stop what she was doing and come over and ask for "more". I would give her a small bite and she would go play while eating it.. then she would come over and want more. So i give her another bite and say to her "this is daddy's, you ate already". she would shake her head up and down.. all while chomping on my oatmeal .. and she would laugh. then go play. I learned real quick to eat fast :)

I miss those moments. I really looked forward to it every morning. and it didn't really mater what we had for breakfast... eggs, grits, cream of wheat, what ever it was she wanted some of mine. hehe.

Deep breath.. cry feel etc..

I finally took the photos and videos off of my phone yesterday. I just had to move them to our external hard drive. I allowed myself to watch some videos and look at pictures. She is so awesome.

My life is still very surreal. The 13th to the 13th. time is doing weird things for me. when i look back at the past 4 or so weeks it all seems so blurred. dream like. i just still can't believe she is gone. I still feel weird when we leave the house. I still think "do we have everything?", "where is the diaper bag?". (I forgot the diaper bag once when we were going to Jimmy Fund - didn't discover this until we parked in Boston - that never happened again hehe)  When I get in the car i still automatically look for Saoirse in my rear view mirror. when we drive away i still have a very strong feeling that i am leaving something behind. Realities set in in between.

Deep breath..

Kezia has food poisoning so i have been helping her and basically just doing research and watching tv. Yesterday was like a blaaaa. i didn't feel like writing. so i walked about the yard a bit, played with Fallon and finally around 10 pm last night I just broke down. I miss her so much. Kezia is feeling better today and even came downstairs. Today is just a relax day. I will probably do some things in the garage or yard. Not sure yet.

Dream, ashes, plastic bags, twist ties and frustration

Saoirse visited in one of my dreams last night. I didn't see her or hold her, but I heard her. I was walking onto our back porch and I could hear something inside the house. It was Saoirse talking and singing. It felt great to hear. I remember being excited to go inside to see her, and as I walked in my dream ended. I don't remember anything else.

I miss her so much.

Yesterday was a very surreal day.. actually it was surreal on top of surreal. Kezia and I opened Saoirse's ashes yesterday. It was like some kind of time warp time stop moment. There was my daughter, in a plastic bag with a twist tie keeping it together.
The ashes are gritty, sandy like. With little white hard pieces. The ashes are heavy and dense. it just seems so weird. For 18 months I made sure she was dressed correctly, comfortable. now she is in a plastic bag. I will find something.

deep breath.

Ok. i am done writing for now. I want to tell a story about Saoirse but I just can't right now. I am frustrated about some things and trying not to let them derail me from my grief. So one of the best ways I know how to not let that happen is to talk about my wonderful daughter. right now though I am just so emotionally overwhelmed i am going to take a break from writing and go clean the shower and give Fallon a bath.

memoires

I have been having a rough past few days. Kezia too. We are just so frustrated and angry. We are holding strong and doing small projects. I have a lot to write about and will do so later this afternoon or evening. This morning is reserved for paperwork and phone calls. fun. then the xmas tree needs to be takes down. this is so hard for me. i remember the evening we put it up. Saoirse had such a good night. for a couple of hours. its a great memory. Kezia is going out with her mom and sister so i am going to work on cleaning out the dining room and putting boxes in the basement and then go out to the garage and pull out the wood stove. I miss her so bad. its still like a dream, surreal. its been 3 weeks and i still have the feeling she is going to come walking around the corner. i still hear her playing in the kitchen with her music waker and fridge magnets. i miss feeding her her milk in the morning. watching george or elmo, sometimes dinosaur train or cat in the hat. then when she finished her milk she would get down on the floor and walk over and say hi to fallon. :) fallon really looked forward to this morning ritual. lol. then saoirse would go find some toys to play with, or try to remove all of the DVD's from the shelf. :) she was so funny. she would just talk talk talk. i taught her how to whistle, and apparently it only took 1 lesson. one day i noticed her walking around with her lips puckered and she was just walking around the house exploring and whistling. :) fun memories. more later.

deep breath