The horses bring peace and calmness

The last few days I have allowed myself to try to have some fun and enjoy what we are doing. Its been difficult. Very difficult. Everything I do reminds me of Saoirse and I vision her with us. Saoirse loved horses. I think when she saw a horse she felt at some peace and the pain would go away even if just for a few minutes. Or seconds.

Deep breath.

I remember about 2 weeks before she was diagnosed. We took her to the Big Apple Circus in Boston. She clearly did not feel well. She slept most of the time. She had some juice and that helped her. I didn't want to take her. But I also wanted her to experience the circus. I just kept her on my chest and covered her ears during the loud times. But when the horses came on. They were white, and had long beautiful mains. They were smaller. The music playing was beautiful. She woke up and watched intently. She moved her arms and hands around as if she was conducting them. It was a great moment that night for her. It was a great moment that night for me because she enjoyed herself. I felt that she felt at peace and happy for just about 5 minutes. We have it on video and I will try to find it and post it.

I miss her. The "miss" is deep. painful. Overwhelming.

We happened upon a white horse the other day with a beautiful long white main. We got some good snaps of her and we are going to print and frame her and hang it in Saoirse's room. I think her spirit will love that.

Deep breath.

I miss my daughter.

Christmas spirit and Laundry

I am sitting here looking at our christmas tree. I can't help but smile because I keep remembering the night we decorated it. Saoirse felt pretty good and had fun bringing ornaments to the tree. We each took a turn helping her hang an ornament. Lol she ran around giggling, talking and carrying ornaments around.

I just watched a video of that night. It helped me feel better and put a smile on my face. I am so glad that was a good night for her. She got to experience the true christmas spirit.. love, family, friends & comfort and peace. She felt that spirit. It helped because I am having a hard time shaking the images of her last moments. It is horrifying. Watching the video helped. I may post the video.

Deep breath.

I began to feel overwhelmed and needed to do something. So i started my laundry, i was due. It is good and important to have some kind of plan today. I really just want to sit and do nothing but watch tv. But I do much better when I do a project. Laundry is my project today :)