the kitchen

Today we are going to start organizing the kitchen and dining room, as well as take down the christmas tree. This is very emotional for me because this means getting rid of all of the medicine and equipment such as syringes and meds. Then put away (in storage bins) most all of the bottles, utincels and plates. We also need to get stuff into the cooperage. Another step in moving forward.  I really miss her today. I miss her smiling, playing with the blocks, exploring the house and sitting on the dog. Right now we would probably be reading or building a building and nocking it down :) she loved it when i would build the block building real high so she could knock it down. She loved knocking it down. she would just laugh and laugh. then start building it again. she was so fun. i miss her helping me feed Fallon. she loved helping. i would teach her how to command fallon to sit and wait. she did a good job.

I started to feel pressured to move on and to get all of her stuff packed. These are things that I want to do in private because its so emotional. I don't want others here, i don't want others help except for Kezia of course, when i pack things of hers. Once we get it packed, we could probably use help in getting the bins either in the basement or the cooperage as well as help getting the house organized. Her bedroom will be the hardest I think.. or the living room toy corner. I hear her laugh. it makes me smile. I also feeling overwhelmed by all of the business cards i have received regarding therapist. I don't do well when i feel pressured to see a therapist. we are going to go to a parents group for parents who have lost a child to cancer. give us time. i get it and i also know people mean very well. I need to write more, but we just got  back from running errands and i need to eat. then its time for the kitchen and dining room. putting all of her stuff in a pile and deciding what we are keeping out. it won't be much. only a plate and bowl as well as a few utinciles. We still have mom group friends who will come over who have babies.

It seems that the more i put away, or pack.. the more reality hits that she is gone. weird. ill write more later. i need to eat and do the kitchen