Did the past year actually happen?

Did this past year actually happen? 


As I sit in my office or in my chair in the living room, I ask myself "did the past year actually happen?", "did we really have a child with cancer?" 


I have been having some bad days. I am again being flooded by images of saoirse the day she died. The sounds actually and the image of her getting cpr. I am haunted by all of the doctor talk. I am haunted by the machine that made the loud beeping noise.......


It had been getting better, but I have times where it really floods me. I know I am not crazy, its just difficult. It sucks all of the wind out of me. What was she thinking about? did she feel any pain? did she hear me tell her I love her from across the room? Did we make the right decisions? 


Regret..


Not bringing her home so she could die at home. 


Deep breath




I have been crying for a week actually. I feel such a deep sense of loss. Saoirse's birthday is tomorrow. We are having a Celebration Party for her on June 9th. Saoirse loved life and she loved parties. She loved being around her friends and playing. All of her friends are having birthday parties right now.. Thats the other thing.. we are invited to the parties and we go. Kezia's mom's group are wonderful and have stuck by our sides through and through. We love them all. We bring saoirse's Elmo doll with Curious Georges shirt on.. Saoirse's presence is always there. 

Kezia is also launching the Fitzgerald Cancer Fund by flooding the plaza of the Today Show on June 18th with large poster sized pictures of NB kids. Helping to organize this has been tolling on the both of us.. Its overwhelming actually because there are so many factors in putting it together. We still need to have the posters printed and find a place that is not expensive. The other challenge has been getting people to come down and help hold posters because we have to get there early.. Like super early to ensure the prime location. It is a monday so its difficult i realize. But we will make it work. 


I will write more later.. Also, I will write about our trip to Austin, TX later. This was significant for me because I got to speak with other parents - In particular other dads. 

NYC Today Show Plaza

We are excited to launch our foundation by flooding the plaza of The Today Show on June 18th 2012 with pictures of Neuroblastoma kids to bring more awareness to the world. When I originally posted my idea a few months ago, someone emailed me and said the company they work for can do some of the large poster sized prints we need.. I can not find your email. If you read this please email us at fitzgeraldcancerfund@gmail.com  For more information on what we are doing please visit the Facebook event page:  http://www.facebook.com/events/221552697963446/


Or you can just visit our webpage  fitzgeraldcancerfund.org 


Thank you

Hit Me

Sitting at breakfast today I just kept seeing Saoirse sitting with us and enjoying her breakfast. She loved eating breakfast. Haha.. Saoirse loved eating period. But I tend to think that breakfast was her favorite. :)

One day I saw something that really touched my heart. She was in the hospital and was getting full skull radiation treatment for relapsed Neuroblastoma. She did not feel well at all. She had received a few christmas gifts from some friends in NYC. It was a barn filled with little horses. Well, one morning I was trying to get her to eat some breakfast.. little bites at a time. I lined the horses up in a row facing her. I went to mix her oatmeal and peanut butter and I turned around and she had taken her spoon and she was feeding each horse. It was sooooo cute. I just cried. I smiled and told her I loved her and said to her "feeding your horses breakfast?" and she responded by shaking her head up and down, raising her eyebrows up (Smiling eyes) and mumbled "Umhum"  and then made the sign  for "more". I miss her.

Sometimes during the day I have "hit me" moments. I was sitting eating my breakfast and I had a "hit me" moment. It suddenly "hit me" that she was not there eating with us. It "hit me" that she will never be again.

deep breath.

I miss my daughter.