Floods are always bad

My night mares are getting worse. I know its been over a year since Saoirse died. The images of the night she died are still very fresh in my mind. My regrets are still very strong. I will work through all of this and I know things take time. Regrets will lesson as I continue to realize and know that there was nothing I could do to save my child. The images of her dying may take some more time. I do not sleep very well because of it. I know some people may say to just turn them off. I say to them that they never watched their child die. A violent death. I regret having them try to intubate her. She was dying and maybe I needed to let them sedate her and let her die in peace. Instead I watched a team of wonderful doctors and nurses try to intubate her so she could live longer and have a chance to heal and get better so we could try to get her into another protocol. I just wanted her to get well. She wanted to live. But at the end, she just kept signing to us "all done" all done".

My mind is constantly flooded with the last few hours of her life, in particular the last hour. Then after she died I would not leave her side. I did not want to leave the hospital. I felt like I was leaving her. I sometimes feel I failed as a father because she died. I know I did the best I could, I get that. Saying that doesn't take the pain away though. It will in time.

I am going to start seeing a therapist. I need to do something about my PTSD. I need to be able to focus on our business. It may not help that our business is focused on a couple of products that Kezia designed while Saoirse was sick. So pretty much all day I am looking at pictures of my daughter and marketing to hospitals. What keeps me going is how much we know our products help other people.

I am also trying to make sure I don't stress out Kezia. She is pregnant and I am stressed about her cancer coming back.

Colorful Lights and an anniversary

How do I prepare myself for the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death?

First of all, I have to allow myself to look forward to christmas. Meaning - decorations.
Most of the past year I have maintained I will not decorate, turn on the colorful lights on the house or put up a tree. I thought it would just be to difficult. But after much consideration, talking with Kezia about it and reading others' posts from the past I think it would be a great idea to put up a tree. Saoirse would have loved it. Plus I strongly feel her presence in the house, so I think her spirit will be sad if we don't decorate. She loved the colorful lights. I also feel that by not decorating I will be avoiding feelings that I need to embrace.

I miss her so much. Thanksgiving was tough, it was the last major "first" holiday without her. She died right before christmas last year so christmas was the first major holiday without her. But last year, right about this time of year Saoirse started getting really sick. Life was a blur for me. My entire focus was Saoirse and getting her well and dealing with strong conflicting feelings that I knew in the depths of my soul that she was dying. I don't really remember christmas last year.

Kezia and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do for the anniversary. We just don't know. Maybe let off a couple of lanterns? Go to dinner somewhere? Go somewhere special and spread some of her ashes?

See, our feelings don't go away until the 13th every month. The 13th is everyday for us.

I talk to her every day, as if I am telling her a story about our life. It is a weird thing. Its like we are sitting on the porch or yard and I am telling her about our life. Hard to explain right now.

Deep breath

I just miss her so much and wish I could hold her one more time.

Deep breath

Some of the "1st's" hit when least expected

Our life is busy right now. This is great because will be launching our business, CareAline Products. We are excited about it because a lot of people will be free of the chaos of figuring out how to keep PICC and Central Lines secure with out using tape.

Last week we went into Boston. My nephew Andrew is visiting us and we went into Fanuel Hall. The last time we were there was back in November 2011. I received the call that Saoirse's cancer came back aggressively. I just stood there and cried. We knew the statistics of kids who relapse with Neuroblastoma. My stomach sunk. I know Kezia's stomach sank. So the other day was the first time I had been back. That one snuck up on me.

I miss her so much.